So yesterday night around 11:30-ish Seth, Will and I met our new sister or sister-in-law, whichever applies. We went and picked Mom, Mark, Ava & Jennifer up from the airport. I was excited to see Ava -- I really did miss her! And I was so ready for Mom & Mark to be back -- To be honest, I was tired of pseudo-parenting and having to keep up with everything. I also just missed being able to have a conversation with my Mom that wasn't interrupted by a crappy Skype connection or not being able to say it "like it is" because others were around.
So we got to the airport and met up with everyone.
Jenn, if you're reading this one day: You're gorgeous! I know our family is crazy (I promise, we all know that) and it won't be the easiest thing to become a part of it. I just want you to know that our family is full of love, though sometimes misguided or strange as it may be. I hope you and Ava become really good friends, as sisters should be, and that I can be a good role model for the both of you. I hope you learn to love where you are living and that the transition is as painless as possible. I know you probably feel lost at times and awkward, but don't worry. I can't say "I've been there" but I can say "I'll be there." It's been an interesting transition so far. I take my role as "big sister" to heart; I can't just turn it off or on. You may not always agree with me (or others in the family) but I hope you feel that you can be honest and I hope you feel accepted. I know you said this was your "fourth family" but Jenn, this is your "last family" and your "always family." Even when you get married to some incredibly lucky man and make your own little family, we will still be there....crazy as ever. I loved getting to bond with you better today when you, Mom and I went shopping. You're funny and blunt and so creative. I will always wish you the best. Xx Love, Amelia.
On a more somber note...
What happened to my sweet babies? :`(
I honestly don't understand my brothers anymore. We grew up together with (basically) the same environment. I don't get why there is no empathy or compassion, no forethought, and no respect right now. I'm not saying they are not capable - they are! That is what is so damn frustrating! To see my two little brothers act the way I've seen in the past few weeks quite literally makes me cry. I'm past the point of trying to fix everything and I'm past the point of trying to justify some of their shitty attitudes. I don't agree with it. I wish they would just accept things and move on instead of trying to hide behind their excuses and "personalities." They are better than their attitudes right now.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
New Jobs, New Doors & New Sisters
I wrote my first two paying blogs today! :) That's more exciting than I thought it would be. The pay isn't a ton of money or anything -- certainly not a "get rich quick" but if you are a fast writer like me, it's pretty good. I can write up to 10 per day, with a minimum of 10 per week. I'll probably fall somewhere in the middle. I can't see myself wanting to sit in front of a computer to write 10 per day!
Today we didn't do much. We had lunch with Jackie before she leaves for Orlando in the am (so jealous!) went to the bank, etc. We're doing so much better with our money now that I've found that amazing Bill notebook. It's insanely awesome! I love organizational things and this one was the ultimate find. I added to it, since I am nuts, and put a monthly calendar in it as well. Haha.
Tomorrow is exciting in a funny way! After Zach is done with football, we're going to go get new back doors for our house! Instead of those stupid slider doors that I don't find very safe, we're going to go get some awesome steel french doors! We found a good place (Builders Surplus Atlanta) with a better price than other retailers. I'm excited. Plus, french doors are just so pretty.
Also, I am super anxious for my family to get back from China! They've been gone for 10 days now and I'm so over it. It's annoying to have to set up a time to TRY and Skype them halfway around the world. It has been a terrible connection lately AND Mark's laptop died so they had to try and use the hotel's computer, which had no microphone, and then had to use their smart-phone which is a less stable connection. It's just annoying when all I want to do is have a normal conversation, especially considering the events of last week are still being dealt with and I feel under-equipped. Also, apparently Jenn is more of a 'handful' than they anticipated......that seems to happen, doesn't it? I take it the personality profiler person doesn't know them much when it's written or else they're sugar-coating. So bizzare.
Anyway, the first two pictures I'm going to post of our new family member is below. :) If you're actually interested, they have a blog on babyjellybeans.com. Here's Jenn!
Today we didn't do much. We had lunch with Jackie before she leaves for Orlando in the am (so jealous!) went to the bank, etc. We're doing so much better with our money now that I've found that amazing Bill notebook. It's insanely awesome! I love organizational things and this one was the ultimate find. I added to it, since I am nuts, and put a monthly calendar in it as well. Haha.
Tomorrow is exciting in a funny way! After Zach is done with football, we're going to go get new back doors for our house! Instead of those stupid slider doors that I don't find very safe, we're going to go get some awesome steel french doors! We found a good place (Builders Surplus Atlanta) with a better price than other retailers. I'm excited. Plus, french doors are just so pretty.
Also, I am super anxious for my family to get back from China! They've been gone for 10 days now and I'm so over it. It's annoying to have to set up a time to TRY and Skype them halfway around the world. It has been a terrible connection lately AND Mark's laptop died so they had to try and use the hotel's computer, which had no microphone, and then had to use their smart-phone which is a less stable connection. It's just annoying when all I want to do is have a normal conversation, especially considering the events of last week are still being dealt with and I feel under-equipped. Also, apparently Jenn is more of a 'handful' than they anticipated......that seems to happen, doesn't it? I take it the personality profiler person doesn't know them much when it's written or else they're sugar-coating. So bizzare.
Anyway, the first two pictures I'm going to post of our new family member is below. :) If you're actually interested, they have a blog on babyjellybeans.com. Here's Jenn!
Monday, September 24, 2012
What a Week
So this past week has been exhausting. Zach stayed with us for a little over a week and Will was home this weekend. There was a LOT of running around to school, practice, other stuff, and I am just drained. I slept for a full 8.5 hours last night and I'm still tired. I guess it was good practice for that whole parenting thing I mentioned in the last blog? Though teenagers are exhausting in a very different way than a newborn or a toddler.
Last night, we had Shane and Heather over on top of Will and Zach. We had a good time. Zach and Seth made hamburgers and hotdogs, etc. Then we played The Logo Game - Seth is such a bad sport when it comes to games though, for real. I can't WAIT until he has to lose on purpose when we have kids. That will be AWESOME to watch. ;) I wish we'd played Clue. It's my favorite! Plus it's less competitive. One cool thing that happened today was Will finally donated his hair! If you'll recall, Ava and I donated ours in July (there's a post in July 2012) and his wasn't quite there yet. Today it was go time! They had to braid it into sections and then CHOP. It was so short. He looks like a different person kind of. It was styled differently than the after picture when it was completely done, but this is just an idea of what happened.
My brain is kind of fried, honestly. I've been working my new job (which is good!) I'm not even sure if I updated that here, but obviously, I do indeed have a new job! I'm still going to keep my "Ava job" which is awesomely ideal. The new job is as a "Marketing Director" for a small-ish healthcare/chiropractic clinic called The Paulk Clinic. So far, I've made them a new website and created a Facebook and Twitter page. I still have lots to do and implement but I'm excited. I made a new flyer today for their front desk to introduce the new media I'm inputting. :) I'm also looking into some other WAH jobs -- I'm super interested in a blog writing one. Not this type of blog, but blog posts that are related to media marketing. I'm also interested in a temporary PT office assistant one that would be over in December -- which is perfect! I'll start Grad School in January (hopefully!) so I wouldn't be overloaded, plus I could make some extra cash in the meantime. Love it! My patience, or rather, my pseudo-patience is paying off. I'm not patient at all, but just believing that I'd eventually get something. I hope it keeps going up from here! :)
On another note, I really want a new camera. My old one is a POS now and we can't even find the battery charger. I'm not saying one like my Mom's fancy one but definitely something a little better than the old point and shoot for when we have kids! A girl can dream. I just want something like the Nikon Coolpix or something similar?
Last night, we had Shane and Heather over on top of Will and Zach. We had a good time. Zach and Seth made hamburgers and hotdogs, etc. Then we played The Logo Game - Seth is such a bad sport when it comes to games though, for real. I can't WAIT until he has to lose on purpose when we have kids. That will be AWESOME to watch. ;) I wish we'd played Clue. It's my favorite! Plus it's less competitive. One cool thing that happened today was Will finally donated his hair! If you'll recall, Ava and I donated ours in July (there's a post in July 2012) and his wasn't quite there yet. Today it was go time! They had to braid it into sections and then CHOP. It was so short. He looks like a different person kind of. It was styled differently than the after picture when it was completely done, but this is just an idea of what happened.
My brain is kind of fried, honestly. I've been working my new job (which is good!) I'm not even sure if I updated that here, but obviously, I do indeed have a new job! I'm still going to keep my "Ava job" which is awesomely ideal. The new job is as a "Marketing Director" for a small-ish healthcare/chiropractic clinic called The Paulk Clinic. So far, I've made them a new website and created a Facebook and Twitter page. I still have lots to do and implement but I'm excited. I made a new flyer today for their front desk to introduce the new media I'm inputting. :) I'm also looking into some other WAH jobs -- I'm super interested in a blog writing one. Not this type of blog, but blog posts that are related to media marketing. I'm also interested in a temporary PT office assistant one that would be over in December -- which is perfect! I'll start Grad School in January (hopefully!) so I wouldn't be overloaded, plus I could make some extra cash in the meantime. Love it! My patience, or rather, my pseudo-patience is paying off. I'm not patient at all, but just believing that I'd eventually get something. I hope it keeps going up from here! :)
On another note, I really want a new camera. My old one is a POS now and we can't even find the battery charger. I'm not saying one like my Mom's fancy one but definitely something a little better than the old point and shoot for when we have kids! A girl can dream. I just want something like the Nikon Coolpix or something similar?
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Parenting Young
Parenting at a young age -- the topic is one that interests me on a personal level, but also as a former Psychology major. Seth and I have been talking about our TTC plans and to be quite honest, I'm pretty confident in our abilities to parent now. I doubt them on a bad day and I question that, but I think most reasonable and responsible people thoroughly think big decisions through (as much as possible, depending on the circumstance).
I stumbled across a blog called "early mama: redefining the young mom" and it piqued my interest. One of the articles, defending young parenthood in a mature way, really got my attention. Young parenthood is not for everyone by any means! I can't see a lot of my friends being ready to parent just yet, but I'll say this. Most of the ones I know that DO parent now are fantastic at it. Sure, all have made certain sacrifices depending on when they got pregnant and how they dealt with it in their life, but very few of my "friends" on Facebook even are extremely irresponsible and meet that "stereotype" of the young mother. Granted, I deleted some of those when I realized that that was indeed what they were.
Anyway, one of the points the blogger made was that SOME of us actually have a decent idea of how our lives would play out if we chose to have kids. Obviously the best example to use would be myself -- it is my blog after all. ;-) It was nice to be able to type this out and have it make sense.
Example -
Longevity/Stability of Relationship: Seth and I are married, and have been for over six months, putting us at a minimum at 1 year and 2-ish months married at baby's birth. We have been together for 4.5 years, again the minimum would be 5 years and some change at birth. Do I think we know everything about each other? Of course not. That would be boring, honestly. Some major things I imagine come out during the parenting process as well. But we're in it for the long-haul or else wasting our time. ETA on 3/3/13: Make that at least 1 year and 9 months...and 5.5 years.
But let's continue...
Education: Seth and I both have college degrees. I'm planning on getting my Masters, which I will begin in January. IF we got pregnant immediately/soon, it would be summertime when I had a child. I'd also be about 1/3 of the way through my Masters. Seth is working on another higher degree as well; his is online. ETA on 3/3/13: I'm almost finished with my first semester of my Masters. *If* we got pregnant NOW, it would be December and I would only have student teaching left to complete in 2014.
Finances/Jobs: We both have jobs. Seth has a full-time job in his chosen career (yay!) and is expecting a raise soon (double yay!) I work two part-time jobs, though not in my "career" exactly. However, this works to my advantage. The two jobs I have would be well-suited to parenting and finishing a Masters. One of my jobs is 80% work-from-home and the other is one where bringing a baby along would be perfectly acceptable (as it has to do with my own family.) The only time I would need childcare would be during the few days per month I would go in for my WFH job (maybe one to two mornings aweek month, max) and during class time. I think Seth's schedule in combination with a good babysitter would be fine. It would probably be less than or around 10 hours per week and some of it would be covered by Seth. Minimal costs, here. For the sake of the example, say we paid the babysitter $10 per hour and it was 7 hours per week. $70 per week. Not bad. ETA on 3/3/13: He got that raise and may be getting another (better) job. I have 4 jobs right now, all of which would be fine for bringing a baby along if necessary. The only times it wouldn't would be during internship hours. My student teaching is FT but if I got a real teaching position, I'd be salaried and have benefits. :) I also had a job interview for a salaried job with benefits on Friday.
Home Life: We own our own home. We have enough bedrooms (3), bathrooms (2.5), square footage (around 1700), etc. We both now have vehicles suitable for car seats and babies, as Seth has a four-door truck and I have a four-door sedan. We live in an established community with nice neighbors and low crime - and a pool for when baby is ready for that. We live within a decent distance of all of our parents. By the time our child would be in school, I would have a job in Education and they could go to school with me. ETA on 3/3/13: Same. :) Just closer to that job in Education.
Miscellaneous: I don't feel like our siblings would be way too young to be Aunts/Uncles anymore. Yes, Ava would be exceptionally young as far as it all goes, but what else is to be expected when there is a 14 year age gap between siblings? Just because I like numbers, if we were to get pregnant in the next few months: Shane - 22, Will - 19, Zach - 16, Jenn - 14, Ava - 9. If it took the traditional year to get pregnant, we're talking: 23, 20, 17, 15 and 10. Also, I'm not a "partier." I like the occasional drink with friends, but it's extremely rare. I literally think the last time I drank anything was maybe in July? The last time I drank enough for it to affect me was Halloween of last year. Yeah, I'm a big partier. Not. I'm perfectly content being a bit of a homebody. I'm a bit of a homebody as it is! Oh, and just because I like that numbers game, the ages of our child's grandparents if we got pregnant within the next few months (basing this on August 2013) would be 44, 50, 50, 53, 54, 59. That's including my steps. And, God willing, great grandparents would be 76-ish and 78/79. Not bad, eh? ETA on 3/3/13: They'd be: Shane - 23, Will - 19, Zach - 17, Jenn - 14/15, Ava - 9.
But back to the blog I was reading. I want to just paste the ending of one of her (awesome) posts for later.
"How long until we recognize that fertility is something to value, not something to put on layaway? That sometimes nature knows what it’s doing?
Listen, I think there certainly are 40+ women who are biologically able to produce healthy and happy children, as well as be phenomenal parents. My aunt and a friend of mine both fall into this category (after “oops” pregnancies, not IVF) and I couldn’t imagine their children not existing. But it’s the trend of delayed parenting becoming the norm (fueled by society’s misconceptions about motherhood and younger women) that I find unsettling.
If becoming a parent is important to you, then know that there is an expiration date — as unfair as that seems. And coming from a younger mom, an ambitious woman, I’m just as professionally and personally fulfilled as I’ve ever dreamed to be."
Amen, Michelle.
We shall see if we're ready to jump into this TTC thing full-force or if we'll keep it relaxed like we have been. Either way, I'm ready to be a mom.
I stumbled across a blog called "early mama: redefining the young mom" and it piqued my interest. One of the articles, defending young parenthood in a mature way, really got my attention. Young parenthood is not for everyone by any means! I can't see a lot of my friends being ready to parent just yet, but I'll say this. Most of the ones I know that DO parent now are fantastic at it. Sure, all have made certain sacrifices depending on when they got pregnant and how they dealt with it in their life, but very few of my "friends" on Facebook even are extremely irresponsible and meet that "stereotype" of the young mother. Granted, I deleted some of those when I realized that that was indeed what they were.
Anyway, one of the points the blogger made was that SOME of us actually have a decent idea of how our lives would play out if we chose to have kids. Obviously the best example to use would be myself -- it is my blog after all. ;-) It was nice to be able to type this out and have it make sense.
Example -
Longevity/Stability of Relationship: Seth and I are married, and have been for over six months, putting us at a minimum at 1 year and 2-ish months married at baby's birth. We have been together for 4.5 years, again the minimum would be 5 years and some change at birth. Do I think we know everything about each other? Of course not. That would be boring, honestly. Some major things I imagine come out during the parenting process as well. But we're in it for the long-haul or else wasting our time. ETA on 3/3/13: Make that at least 1 year and 9 months...and 5.5 years.
But let's continue...
Education: Seth and I both have college degrees. I'm planning on getting my Masters, which I will begin in January. IF we got pregnant immediately/soon, it would be summertime when I had a child. I'd also be about 1/3 of the way through my Masters. Seth is working on another higher degree as well; his is online. ETA on 3/3/13: I'm almost finished with my first semester of my Masters. *If* we got pregnant NOW, it would be December and I would only have student teaching left to complete in 2014.
Finances/Jobs: We both have jobs. Seth has a full-time job in his chosen career (yay!) and is expecting a raise soon (double yay!) I work two part-time jobs, though not in my "career" exactly. However, this works to my advantage. The two jobs I have would be well-suited to parenting and finishing a Masters. One of my jobs is 80% work-from-home and the other is one where bringing a baby along would be perfectly acceptable (as it has to do with my own family.) The only time I would need childcare would be during the few days per month I would go in for my WFH job (maybe one to two mornings a
Home Life: We own our own home. We have enough bedrooms (3), bathrooms (2.5), square footage (around 1700), etc. We both now have vehicles suitable for car seats and babies, as Seth has a four-door truck and I have a four-door sedan. We live in an established community with nice neighbors and low crime - and a pool for when baby is ready for that. We live within a decent distance of all of our parents. By the time our child would be in school, I would have a job in Education and they could go to school with me. ETA on 3/3/13: Same. :) Just closer to that job in Education.
Miscellaneous: I don't feel like our siblings would be way too young to be Aunts/Uncles anymore. Yes, Ava would be exceptionally young as far as it all goes, but what else is to be expected when there is a 14 year age gap between siblings? Just because I like numbers, if we were to get pregnant in the next few months: Shane - 22, Will - 19, Zach - 16, Jenn - 14, Ava - 9. If it took the traditional year to get pregnant, we're talking: 23, 20, 17, 15 and 10. Also, I'm not a "partier." I like the occasional drink with friends, but it's extremely rare. I literally think the last time I drank anything was maybe in July? The last time I drank enough for it to affect me was Halloween of last year. Yeah, I'm a big partier. Not. I'm perfectly content being a bit of a homebody. I'm a bit of a homebody as it is! Oh, and just because I like that numbers game, the ages of our child's grandparents if we got pregnant within the next few months (basing this on August 2013) would be 44, 50, 50, 53, 54, 59. That's including my steps. And, God willing, great grandparents would be 76-ish and 78/79. Not bad, eh? ETA on 3/3/13: They'd be: Shane - 23, Will - 19, Zach - 17, Jenn - 14/15, Ava - 9.
But back to the blog I was reading. I want to just paste the ending of one of her (awesome) posts for later.
"How long until we recognize that fertility is something to value, not something to put on layaway? That sometimes nature knows what it’s doing?
Listen, I think there certainly are 40+ women who are biologically able to produce healthy and happy children, as well as be phenomenal parents. My aunt and a friend of mine both fall into this category (after “oops” pregnancies, not IVF) and I couldn’t imagine their children not existing. But it’s the trend of delayed parenting becoming the norm (fueled by society’s misconceptions about motherhood and younger women) that I find unsettling.
If becoming a parent is important to you, then know that there is an expiration date — as unfair as that seems. And coming from a younger mom, an ambitious woman, I’m just as professionally and personally fulfilled as I’ve ever dreamed to be."
Amen, Michelle.
We shall see if we're ready to jump into this TTC thing full-force or if we'll keep it relaxed like we have been. Either way, I'm ready to be a mom.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years
I know it's been a while since I updated. Here's a very brief update: adoption is happening in a few days; Zach is spending the week+ with us, I got a new job as a marketing director and I'm also able to keep my old one, we've been married for 6 months now and Will is in college.
Now to the point of my post, I saw this article shared on a friend's Facebook wall and I really liked it, but I didn't want to just bookmark it and forget about it. I periodically re-read my blog so I thought I'd feature it here. All of this post from here on out was taken from http://girlsguideto.com/article/15-ways-stay-married-15-years <-- giving credit where it's due.
Author Lydia Netzer has been married for 15 years. She and her husband aren't experts on marriage, just their own, and you can tell they are super proud of their relationship and totally still in love.
As Lydia says, she and her husband Dan got married when they were 25 years old. I love her self decprication: "Looking back I’m surprised we didn’t, as 25 year olds, self-destruct just for the heck of it. Now that we are older, we are perhaps surprisingly also wiser." Trust me, they are definitely wiser.
Here are the things they have learned over the years, that helped them stay married and -- gasp! -- even happy for fifteen years. (Beyond that, she says you’re on your own. She can’t promise another 15.) Their list does not resemble the one you will find in Cosmo or Ladies’ Home Journal. She says they have never had a regular date night, nor do they prioritize “communication” or play sex games or see a therapist. He doesn’t bring her flowers every Thursday, she doesn’t cook his favorite food very often. But they do have some other ideas. Here they are in Lydia and Dan's own words!
Now to the point of my post, I saw this article shared on a friend's Facebook wall and I really liked it, but I didn't want to just bookmark it and forget about it. I periodically re-read my blog so I thought I'd feature it here. All of this post from here on out was taken from http://girlsguideto.com/article/15-ways-stay-married-15-years <-- giving credit where it's due.
Author Lydia Netzer has been married for 15 years. She and her husband aren't experts on marriage, just their own, and you can tell they are super proud of their relationship and totally still in love.
As Lydia says, she and her husband Dan got married when they were 25 years old. I love her self decprication: "Looking back I’m surprised we didn’t, as 25 year olds, self-destruct just for the heck of it. Now that we are older, we are perhaps surprisingly also wiser." Trust me, they are definitely wiser.
Here are the things they have learned over the years, that helped them stay married and -- gasp! -- even happy for fifteen years. (Beyond that, she says you’re on your own. She can’t promise another 15.) Their list does not resemble the one you will find in Cosmo or Ladies’ Home Journal. She says they have never had a regular date night, nor do they prioritize “communication” or play sex games or see a therapist. He doesn’t bring her flowers every Thursday, she doesn’t cook his favorite food very often. But they do have some other ideas. Here they are in Lydia and Dan's own words!
1. Go to bed mad.
The old maxim that you shouldn’t go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin’ bed. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase “Be angry and sin not.” So, who’s to say it doesn’t mean “Stay angry, bitches. Don’t let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.” Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.
The old maxim that you shouldn’t go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin’ bed. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase “Be angry and sin not.” So, who’s to say it doesn’t mean “Stay angry, bitches. Don’t let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.” Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.
2. Laugh if you can.
In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isn’t that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if you’re fighting for entertainment, or because you’re just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When you’re the one who’s being pissy and raw, and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson to learn, for me. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.
In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isn’t that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if you’re fighting for entertainment, or because you’re just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When you’re the one who’s being pissy and raw, and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson to learn, for me. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.
3. Don’t criticize. Ever.
Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if it’s true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way it’s beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if you’re absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. Their recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then you’re the asshole. So be careful.
Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if it’s true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way it’s beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if you’re absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. Their recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then you’re the asshole. So be careful.
4. Be the mirror.
Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: you’re smart, you’re successful, you’re fantastic in the sack, you’re a great provider, you’re the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I don’t know, but consider this: the alternative really sucks. The things my husband says to me are 1000 times more convincing than anyone else’s opinion on earth. Don’t think he won’t believe you because you’re married and you’re contractually obligated to say nice things. He’ll believe the shitty, insulting things you say, and the gloriously positive things.
Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: you’re smart, you’re successful, you’re fantastic in the sack, you’re a great provider, you’re the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I don’t know, but consider this: the alternative really sucks. The things my husband says to me are 1000 times more convincing than anyone else’s opinion on earth. Don’t think he won’t believe you because you’re married and you’re contractually obligated to say nice things. He’ll believe the shitty, insulting things you say, and the gloriously positive things.
5. Be proud and brag.
Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.
Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.
6. Do your own thing.
Dan races bicycles. I write books. I don’t race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesn’t write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I don’t care. My opinion is that he’s the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that I’m the bestest, coolest writer ever. We don’t have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Dan’s opinion of me as “best writer since the dawn of time.” We can still support each other without being all up in the other person’s stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means you’ll always have stuff to talk about, because you’re not overlapping all the time. You don’t have to read the same books either. You don’t have to have the same friends.
Dan races bicycles. I write books. I don’t race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesn’t write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I don’t care. My opinion is that he’s the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that I’m the bestest, coolest writer ever. We don’t have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Dan’s opinion of me as “best writer since the dawn of time.” We can still support each other without being all up in the other person’s stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means you’ll always have stuff to talk about, because you’re not overlapping all the time. You don’t have to read the same books either. You don’t have to have the same friends.
7. Have kids.
Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you can’t be that crazy.
Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you can’t be that crazy.
8. Get really good at sex.
You’ve got all the time in the world to get really really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your life’s mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions, and get everything working properly. There’s absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently “just okay” with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last fifteen years, remember? That’s a long time to be mildly happy.
You’ve got all the time in the world to get really really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your life’s mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions, and get everything working properly. There’s absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently “just okay” with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last fifteen years, remember? That’s a long time to be mildly happy.
9. Move.
Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you’re feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you’re stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don’t worry about “growing apart.” Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don’t gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.
Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you’re feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you’re stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don’t worry about “growing apart.” Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don’t gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.
10. Stop thinking temporarily.
Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in “ifs” and “thens” even when you’ve publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I won’t tolerate it. If I do this, he’ll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesn’t pay more attention. It’s natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can get go of the idea that marriage is temporary, and will end if certain awful conditions are met, the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where it’s absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that you’re going to stay with him. He’s going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the “what if”s and “in case of”s.
Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in “ifs” and “thens” even when you’ve publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I won’t tolerate it. If I do this, he’ll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesn’t pay more attention. It’s natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can get go of the idea that marriage is temporary, and will end if certain awful conditions are met, the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where it’s absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that you’re going to stay with him. He’s going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the “what if”s and “in case of”s.
11. Do not put yourself in trouble’s way.
Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t ass around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.
Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t ass around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.
12. Make a husband pact with your friends.
The husband pact says this: I promise to listen to you complain about your husband even in the most dire terms, without it affecting my good opinion of him. I will agree with your harshest criticism, accept your gloomiest predictions. I will nod and furrow my brow and sigh when you describe him as a hideous ogre. Then when your fight is over and love shines again like a beautiful sunbeam in your life, I promise to forget everything you said and regard him as the most charming of princes once more. The husband pact is very useful because you want to be able to vent to your friend without having her actually start hating your husband. Because you don’t really mean all those things you say. And she, the swearer of the pact, knows this.
The husband pact says this: I promise to listen to you complain about your husband even in the most dire terms, without it affecting my good opinion of him. I will agree with your harshest criticism, accept your gloomiest predictions. I will nod and furrow my brow and sigh when you describe him as a hideous ogre. Then when your fight is over and love shines again like a beautiful sunbeam in your life, I promise to forget everything you said and regard him as the most charming of princes once more. The husband pact is very useful because you want to be able to vent to your friend without having her actually start hating your husband. Because you don’t really mean all those things you say. And she, the swearer of the pact, knows this.
13. Bitch to his mother, not yours.
This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and it’s totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If you’re a man, bitch to your friends. They expect it.
This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and it’s totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If you’re a man, bitch to your friends. They expect it.
14. Be loyal.
All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, don’t matter because the team endures.
All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, don’t matter because the team endures.
15. Trust the person you married.
For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one who’s helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. I’m saying this to everyone who’s newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, it’s going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride.
For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one who’s helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. I’m saying this to everyone who’s newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, it’s going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Recurring Arguments
You know what really sucks? Something that I know all married couples go through to some degree? Having the same argument OVER and OVER. Even if it's spaced apart, once you've been together for several years you have your "we're going to argue about this all the time, aren't we" type of disagreements. I'm not saying they have to be SERIOUS. Maybe they're stupid. But I think every couple has theirs, and lots of times more than one in varying intensities.
We have several, but one that is really driving me NUTS right now is one where... It just leaves me exhausted, feeling like a shitty wife, and wondering....well, basically wondering, "WTF?"
I hate it because I know that we should compromise. He knows that we should compromise....but there IS no compromise. It's either, yes or no. And what really sucks? No matter the answer, it seems like we're both going to be pissed. There isn't that "Win-Win" situation. Why? Let me break it down without saying what our argument is (because this blog out in the interwebs is not the place for me to air my dirty laundry, I just want to discuss the basics of it.)
Option 1 - I give in and say "Yes, you can." BUT there has to be more to it than just that. For him to be completely happy I have to truly support it/him, attend things related to it, and basically....well, lie. At this point anyway. (Of course, people change.) But you see, me just saying "Yes" is only half the battle and I know at this point I am not willing to both say yes and be untrue to my beliefs on the topic. Even if I say yes, I'll be so incredibly unhappy with it that there is no way to be supportive or even want to participate. It absolutely blows, because this fight is just... it seems like if we don't figure it out we could be shutting the door on part of our marriage.
Now, Option 2. He gives in and stops pursuing something that I disagree with. This one is a little more obvious how it plays out. He is immensely unhappy and probably never forgives me (or at least never forgets), I'm relieved but I'm also not happy because...well because I feel like I'm taking something away from him and I know he'll essentially blame me. So again, neither of us are happy.
Now, Option 3. The compromise. Even though I don't think it will fix this problem either, mind you. There are two ways to compromise on this. One is that he finds something SIMILAR but less dangerous and I keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever. But you see, it still doesn't resolve anything. He still wants the elusive thing and I still don't want him to. The other "compromise" option is that I consent, but with "rules" that make me feel better about his safety among other things. Maybe something along the lines of, "X, Y, and Z need to happen prior to this and if it ever gets to a point that I feel you're taking advantage of it, that's it." I realize that sounds a bit ultimatum-y but I promise this is not about anything sexual or weird. Again, I just don't want to come out and say what it is to protect our privacy and keep it somewhat within our marriage.
Yes, I know we're both stubborn. But this is something that we have gone around the block on and we just cannot seem to discuss it civilly. He ignores my points and I get annoyed that I'm being asked the same question and he isn't hearing me. He gets annoyed that it feels like I'm trying to be controlling or not "letting" him do something. Did I mention it sucked? Yeah. It's one of our "bigger" common arguments.
Obviously we just had it........again. And you see, it doesn't matter if people agree with one of our sides or the other. It doesn't matter what our friends or family may think about either of our sides. I realize it's debatable and it doesn't make a difference. So here we are, stuck. Plus I talk better in writing and he just doesn't express himself or a range of emotions much unless it's "really really happy" or "pissed off" or "tired" <-- grumpy. He's your stereotypical guy, basically. And I'm the stereotypical girl, full of emotions. I don't want to become "the nag" or the reason he doesn't do something.....but I'm also somewhat unwilling to compromise my own thoughts. *sigh* I'll probably regret writing this and letting people read it later. Oh well. Don't agree with me, get off my blog.
We have several, but one that is really driving me NUTS right now is one where... It just leaves me exhausted, feeling like a shitty wife, and wondering....well, basically wondering, "WTF?"
I hate it because I know that we should compromise. He knows that we should compromise....but there IS no compromise. It's either, yes or no. And what really sucks? No matter the answer, it seems like we're both going to be pissed. There isn't that "Win-Win" situation. Why? Let me break it down without saying what our argument is (because this blog out in the interwebs is not the place for me to air my dirty laundry, I just want to discuss the basics of it.)
Option 1 - I give in and say "Yes, you can." BUT there has to be more to it than just that. For him to be completely happy I have to truly support it/him, attend things related to it, and basically....well, lie. At this point anyway. (Of course, people change.) But you see, me just saying "Yes" is only half the battle and I know at this point I am not willing to both say yes and be untrue to my beliefs on the topic. Even if I say yes, I'll be so incredibly unhappy with it that there is no way to be supportive or even want to participate. It absolutely blows, because this fight is just... it seems like if we don't figure it out we could be shutting the door on part of our marriage.
Now, Option 2. He gives in and stops pursuing something that I disagree with. This one is a little more obvious how it plays out. He is immensely unhappy and probably never forgives me (or at least never forgets), I'm relieved but I'm also not happy because...well because I feel like I'm taking something away from him and I know he'll essentially blame me. So again, neither of us are happy.
Now, Option 3. The compromise. Even though I don't think it will fix this problem either, mind you. There are two ways to compromise on this. One is that he finds something SIMILAR but less dangerous and I keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever. But you see, it still doesn't resolve anything. He still wants the elusive thing and I still don't want him to. The other "compromise" option is that I consent, but with "rules" that make me feel better about his safety among other things. Maybe something along the lines of, "X, Y, and Z need to happen prior to this and if it ever gets to a point that I feel you're taking advantage of it, that's it." I realize that sounds a bit ultimatum-y but I promise this is not about anything sexual or weird. Again, I just don't want to come out and say what it is to protect our privacy and keep it somewhat within our marriage.
Yes, I know we're both stubborn. But this is something that we have gone around the block on and we just cannot seem to discuss it civilly. He ignores my points and I get annoyed that I'm being asked the same question and he isn't hearing me. He gets annoyed that it feels like I'm trying to be controlling or not "letting" him do something. Did I mention it sucked? Yeah. It's one of our "bigger" common arguments.
Obviously we just had it........again. And you see, it doesn't matter if people agree with one of our sides or the other. It doesn't matter what our friends or family may think about either of our sides. I realize it's debatable and it doesn't make a difference. So here we are, stuck. Plus I talk better in writing and he just doesn't express himself or a range of emotions much unless it's "really really happy" or "pissed off" or "tired" <-- grumpy. He's your stereotypical guy, basically. And I'm the stereotypical girl, full of emotions. I don't want to become "the nag" or the reason he doesn't do something.....but I'm also somewhat unwilling to compromise my own thoughts. *sigh* I'll probably regret writing this and letting people read it later. Oh well. Don't agree with me, get off my blog.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tired of myself.
I'm so tired of having all of these random, seemingly small things break me down. I know it sounds ridiculous...I promise you, no more ridiculous than it feels. I'm hopeful that many of you don't know what it feels like, and for that I'm happy. I try not to get caught up in the "why me" feelings that go along with this...journey. I wouldn't wish this on the person that hurt me the most.
I am assuming that most of you know the storyline by now and most of you will know what I'm going on about...I might as well add it to the title of my blog, eh? It seems to be coming up even more than lately. Today it was because of how sharply I was feeling the Endo pains return. Like a knife stuck into my ovaries. It's one of those pains that, while painful physically (trust me...very), the most painful part is thinking of the implications. Knowing WHY I had that excruciating punch to the gut. Knowing what it does or could mean. It is not something I ever thought I would experience at such a young age...or ever. You always hear stories of women with fertility problems but you never think about that being you or your family story. Heck, I even watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 for several seasons and never once thought of what it would be like 'for real.'
It almost makes me think that the other hardships I've had in my life have prepared me for this.....but if that's the case, I must have missed a lesson or two, or so I feel. I don't feel prepared to deal with this. I can be "logical" about it, I can write things down, which I often do just to feel in control of something relevant to this, but it only helps quel the anxiety. It doesn't actually FIX anything or DO anything. I can't do that. I don't have the power. I feel utterly powerless and tired due to the struggle and it's begun to affect me in other aspects of my life. I feel less than. I feel like I have a giant Achilles heel with an arrow pointing towards it. I can feel myself growing more and more bitter and I struggle with that feeling. I don't know what I need at this point to get past this, but I need it soon.
Writing this helps, especially since I'm not even mentally ready to go on a TTC board or anything just yet. I couldn't handle it. I'm not even back to the point I was a few months ago. I'm done trying to convince myself that I don't want this yet. Of course I will still sometimes mention that financially and even other aspects are not exactly perfect, but that doesn't change a whole lot. We've been married for 5 months now (can you believe it? As of last Friday! ha) and we've been together for over 4 years (which I know to a lot of is wimpy) but for us, we're fine. We're both in our early to mid twenties, we both have a direction to go in, we both want kids.......but here I am, powerless and unable to do that. I am literally physically exhausted on some days like today. I want to just go to sleep but my mind refuses to shut off and I cried earlier, which was odd. I really hate crying over this, I feel like most people expect me to be "over it" by now. Everyone always says, "Oh it will work out! It has to!" or something else they think is the right thing to say. And it is, for them. It just isn't really what I need. I really need someone to go, "It may not work out. Make sure you keep your mind open and don't fixate on this."
In the words of Miranda Lambert, this is how I perceive this. I know it isn't what her song is talking about, but I really connect with these words.
See? I'm even tired of my thoughts, I'm sure you all are too. I must sound so negative and ungrateful. The positive sides are that we ARE young-ish and have plenty of time to try. That is positive (obviously it would/will still have the same painful affects as it already is having). Another positive would be that if it doesn't work out this way we have plenty of time to prepare for the other ways to work out. That isn't exactly the most positive though, I wouldn't say. It's difficult. No matter how old, no matter where you are in your life, it SUCKS to know that you are "less than normal" or less than capable. The other positive is that so far we have not had to go through what I imagine is the crushing feeling of loss associated with miscarriage or things of that nature. Thoughts of that haunt me, but I haven't quite gotten to the point where I think of that too much. Obviously I am not naive enough to think that couldn't happen to me anymore. I pray to God that the feelings and journey I am on now are not in preparation for something of that magnitude.
That's all, I suppose. Emotional vent over. Now to go listen to some uplifting music.
I am assuming that most of you know the storyline by now and most of you will know what I'm going on about...I might as well add it to the title of my blog, eh? It seems to be coming up even more than lately. Today it was because of how sharply I was feeling the Endo pains return. Like a knife stuck into my ovaries. It's one of those pains that, while painful physically (trust me...very), the most painful part is thinking of the implications. Knowing WHY I had that excruciating punch to the gut. Knowing what it does or could mean. It is not something I ever thought I would experience at such a young age...or ever. You always hear stories of women with fertility problems but you never think about that being you or your family story. Heck, I even watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 for several seasons and never once thought of what it would be like 'for real.'
It almost makes me think that the other hardships I've had in my life have prepared me for this.....but if that's the case, I must have missed a lesson or two, or so I feel. I don't feel prepared to deal with this. I can be "logical" about it, I can write things down, which I often do just to feel in control of something relevant to this, but it only helps quel the anxiety. It doesn't actually FIX anything or DO anything. I can't do that. I don't have the power. I feel utterly powerless and tired due to the struggle and it's begun to affect me in other aspects of my life. I feel less than. I feel like I have a giant Achilles heel with an arrow pointing towards it. I can feel myself growing more and more bitter and I struggle with that feeling. I don't know what I need at this point to get past this, but I need it soon.
Writing this helps, especially since I'm not even mentally ready to go on a TTC board or anything just yet. I couldn't handle it. I'm not even back to the point I was a few months ago. I'm done trying to convince myself that I don't want this yet. Of course I will still sometimes mention that financially and even other aspects are not exactly perfect, but that doesn't change a whole lot. We've been married for 5 months now (can you believe it? As of last Friday! ha) and we've been together for over 4 years (which I know to a lot of is wimpy) but for us, we're fine. We're both in our early to mid twenties, we both have a direction to go in, we both want kids.......but here I am, powerless and unable to do that. I am literally physically exhausted on some days like today. I want to just go to sleep but my mind refuses to shut off and I cried earlier, which was odd. I really hate crying over this, I feel like most people expect me to be "over it" by now. Everyone always says, "Oh it will work out! It has to!" or something else they think is the right thing to say. And it is, for them. It just isn't really what I need. I really need someone to go, "It may not work out. Make sure you keep your mind open and don't fixate on this."
In the words of Miranda Lambert, this is how I perceive this. I know it isn't what her song is talking about, but I really connect with these words.
..........Weather man said, it's gonna snow, by now I should be used to the cold..........
Like I should be "used to" this idea by now. That I shouldn't be
surprised, considering I felt Endo pains about 2 months post-op anyways.
I guess just knowing that indeed they are Endo pains and it's been over
7 months since my surgery, and the most likely time to conceive post-op
is the 6 months right after. It kind of cracks the exterior at least
for me. I feel so mentally weak through all of this.
That's all, I suppose. Emotional vent over. Now to go listen to some uplifting music.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Utter Confusion
I truly dislike being confused or second-guessing. It makes me feel anxious, makes me grumpy (and add external factors and whatever, say goodbye to pleasant Amelia) and it just makes me feel....wrong. I've always had anxiety issues. Yes, real ones. Diagnosed ones that I've pretty much had under control for the past several years, but it's difficult at times. Especially when I feel like I do right now.
The reason behind my feelings.... you guessed it. I know that I want to teach - that isn't what is in question. The NEW question is WHAT do I want to teach? I see my friends around me falling into different teaching positions and I wonder, which one of these do I fit?
To answer a few of my own questions.... My original thought behind teaching was to teach English/Language Arts. I also think I'd prefer Middle School aged children, maybe 4-8. The options for certification are 4-8 or 6-12. I could see upper level elementary, I could also see high school. Maybe I could get an add-on to teach some of the other grades since you have to choose?
Back to my rambling. I could also see myself enjoying the difference I could make in Special Education. I can honestly see *both* of those being extremely viable options. So where do I go? Do I let current trends sway me and go for the Special Ed. or do I let my absolute *true* passion (English/Writing/Grammar, etc) carry me and just pray I get offered a job in my specialty? OR do I do both....eventually? I could get my M.A.T. in either Middle Grades LA or Special Education (General Curriculum.) Either of these could make me happy. I could follow that up with either an add-on endorsement (usually 12-ish hours) in the opposite field or an Ed.S. in the opposite. It's really quite confusing. I know that if I taught Special Ed. I would also still want to focus on English/Language Arts. *sigh* Who knows.
I'm at least glad I have narrowed down the field and feel confident in that. I'm truly glad about that. What brought up these questions is probably the fact that despite being OVER qualified (education wise) I still have not and cannot get a Para job. :( It makes me sad.
The reason behind my feelings.... you guessed it. I know that I want to teach - that isn't what is in question. The NEW question is WHAT do I want to teach? I see my friends around me falling into different teaching positions and I wonder, which one of these do I fit?
To answer a few of my own questions.... My original thought behind teaching was to teach English/Language Arts. I also think I'd prefer Middle School aged children, maybe 4-8. The options for certification are 4-8 or 6-12. I could see upper level elementary, I could also see high school. Maybe I could get an add-on to teach some of the other grades since you have to choose?
Back to my rambling. I could also see myself enjoying the difference I could make in Special Education. I can honestly see *both* of those being extremely viable options. So where do I go? Do I let current trends sway me and go for the Special Ed. or do I let my absolute *true* passion (English/Writing/Grammar, etc) carry me and just pray I get offered a job in my specialty? OR do I do both....eventually? I could get my M.A.T. in either Middle Grades LA or Special Education (General Curriculum.) Either of these could make me happy. I could follow that up with either an add-on endorsement (usually 12-ish hours) in the opposite field or an Ed.S. in the opposite. It's really quite confusing. I know that if I taught Special Ed. I would also still want to focus on English/Language Arts. *sigh* Who knows.
I'm at least glad I have narrowed down the field and feel confident in that. I'm truly glad about that. What brought up these questions is probably the fact that despite being OVER qualified (education wise) I still have not and cannot get a Para job. :( It makes me sad.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
My Obsession: Olympics 2012
I always love watching the Olympics...and can typically be found watching them until the wee hours of the morning, regardless of what time I have to get up. Thankfully they are mostly before the school year starts. ha. :) AND now there's the DVR....but I still like to watch them when they come on.
Some of my major obsessions SO FAR (note it's only a few days in) are:
And just for fun, and your viewing pleasure:
http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2012/06/meet-4-hot-half-naked-olympic-2012-swimmers-glamour-july-2012 (for more of THAT, haha)
Some of my major obsessions SO FAR (note it's only a few days in) are:
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| Ryan Lochte -- He's absolutely adorable (always has been), an excellent swimmer, and seems really fun. Yay for him winning more gold - and some silver and bronze as well. :) |
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| The Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte Bromance. I know there is a lot of hype saying "showdown" between them as they are both excellent, but if you really watch them, they are good friends...and have been since 2004 when Lochte came to his first Olympics. SO adorable. |
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| One of my non-USA people of interest would be Tom Daley. He's so adorable! It's his 2nd Olympics at 18 - precious. |
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| The AMAZING women's gymnastics team! I'll admit, I was skeptical when there was no Nastia or Shawn (still a bit sad!) BUT these girls did incredibly. I'm also still sad for Jordyn Wieber after that ridiculous rule, but they are great. Super impressed with McKayla Maroney and her AMAZING vault that helped Team USA win team Gold. |
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| Back to swimming....Nathan Adrian winning his first gold was probably the most adorable thing ever. But really. |
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| I've loved watching Kerri & Misty for years, and this year is no doubt. They are incredible together, and I'm sad that they'll never be in another Olympics together again. BUT... |
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| Jen Kessy & April Ross may just be America's next "Walsh & May" team. They are really good already! I'll be interested to see how it all plays out. |
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| Also? Missy Franklin is amazing. |
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I never blog about "political" issues, but...
It’s not okay to disagree with people anymore, is it?
Yes, I'm referencing the whole "Chick-Fil-A Debate" going on because people don't agree with one another. I am not usually one to talk about what I consider politics (as that is the root of the issue), but the ridiculous amount of posts on facebook has me thinking and I honestly have no desire to enter into a debate with people when I don't care one way or another about them agreeing or disagreeing with me or anyone else.
I find it very interesting that people are so outraged
because….it’s a restaurant that’s always traditionally been closed on Sundays
for church and we’re surprised that the owner of such a place doesn’t believe in
something that many traditional Christians do not believe in? Spare me. It isn’t
as if it couldn’t have been deduced years ago. The owners have the freedom to
believe whatever they wish. They never said, “And gay people cannot eat here.” They
simply said they do not agree with the idea and wouldn’t support it. SO WHAT?
The point is we ARE America,
a free country, and we can choose to believe
whatever we wish. Note what I said – we can BELIEVE whatever we wish. No, we
cannot just DO whatever we wish or believe all the time. Note that prayer is not
a part of school anymore? That’s something taken away from Christians because
it was disagreed with – i.e. the street goes both ways. No one is allowed to
run around and do whatever they please. You can THINK whatever you please…unless
you are an owner of a fast-food franchise apparently?
I get that a counterargument to my statement about freedom would be that gay couples
cannot choose freely to marry, but I honestly don’t get that argument. I also was clear that we can BELIEVE whatever we wish, not just go do it...because there has to be some form of political control and votes will be the way that is changed, nothing more. Moral outrage, boycotting a restaurant and posting some pissed off status will not, in fact, change that LAW. That’s
entirely about politics being involved and I believe that one day in the
not-so-distant future it will pass into legality eventually. Now, if people keep proving the
super conservatives RIGHT, then maybe it will take longer. Think of that? If we
all just “want to get along and have the same rights” then condemning a person for their beliefs that oppose yours
makes you JUST as wrong and the argument will literally get nowhere. Which is
pretty obvious. For instance, I've seen the word "bigot" thrown around an awful lot - why? He's a bigot because he believes differently than...YOU? Yeah........no.
The point of marriage to many is not the legality of it, but
the ceremony, which anyone and everyone can choose to have in different
capacities. As a married person, I do not consider my married relationship any “better”
than a same-sex relationship that has been together the same length of time
that we have. I suppose we have more rights as a unit, but what about the fact
that once we were married we took on eachother’s past history – i.e. debt,
credit score, etc? It isn’t all rays of sunshine. And I swear if I hear that “gay
people would stay married longer,” one more time I just might burst out
laughing in someone’s face. I’m sorry, but no. Relationships break up at all
stages no matter your age, race, marital status, beliefs or sexual preferences. It’s just
reality. There would probably be less marriages fall apart in that community to begin with
for one reason – they wouldn’t want to give up a right so fiercely fought for (who would?) and a lot of those couples have probably been together for quite some time. But once it became the "norm" it would be exactly the same as heterosexual marriage because relationships are not about what gender people are...they are about how couples deal with conflict and change. But give it 100+ years (or less) and it would just be a divorce rate
overall and it’d probably all be pretty equal.
I’m just saying that I find it all pretty ridiculous. Chick-fil-A
can believe whatever they believe, they aren’t forcing their beliefs on anyone.
Eat the chicken or don’t, no one really cares. Their company will not fold
because some customers don’t go there anymore. People forget that the other
side will probably rally around and go to Chick-fil-A even more to prove a
point….again, duh.
And then there are people like me…who will continue to eat
wherever I want based on what I am craving, not the belief of an owner I will
never meet or the opposing belief that I neither agree nor disagree with.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sorry for the melodrama!
After the post I wrote last night detailing my insanity....er, my thoughts...I spent the day basically feeling sorry for myself. That's never a good thing to do and I disliked it, but it was tough to pull myself out of it. In an attempt to pull myself out of it, I started reading other blogs that are similar (or in lots of cases, even worse) and cried and cried. I know...
I have this issue that it just kind of dawned on me to put into words. I cannot cry for myself. It isn't that I cannot, it's that I mostly choose not to. I always have, since I was little. I would cry because my brothers were hurting or because my mom was hurting, but I rarely let myself cry for me. Maybe because I had a few very traumatic events that kind of haunt me that include me crying. I'm not saying I don't cry for myself at all, I'm sure I did quite a lot, but as I've gotten older I do it less and less. Sometimes I'll cry out of frustration, anger, or grief...but not just to release my OWN sadness. I cried more seeing my brothers cry (heartwrenching) after my Papa passed, or seeing my mother cry (never happens...maybe it's where I get it from) but...I don't know. I've channeled my feelings into other things. I've always known I do this as I sometimes get to a point where I "need" to cry, so I'll watch a sad movie or read a sad book...or like today, I read sad blogs. I wouldn't just cry because I am frustrated or cry because of the grief process (right words?) that the infertility process induces. Man, I need therapy.
I think I've finally pulled myself out of it, and even if it took me until 2 am to get out of it, that's okay. I'm glad I stayed up late enough for it to work though! I didn't want another day of THAT feeling. So I looked at wedding pictures, and edited a few of them just to capture our expressions, and it reminded me how damn LUCKY I am to have a man look at me like this:
Screw being sad, at least for now. I love him and he loves me and it will all work out in the end.
I have this issue that it just kind of dawned on me to put into words. I cannot cry for myself. It isn't that I cannot, it's that I mostly choose not to. I always have, since I was little. I would cry because my brothers were hurting or because my mom was hurting, but I rarely let myself cry for me. Maybe because I had a few very traumatic events that kind of haunt me that include me crying. I'm not saying I don't cry for myself at all, I'm sure I did quite a lot, but as I've gotten older I do it less and less. Sometimes I'll cry out of frustration, anger, or grief...but not just to release my OWN sadness. I cried more seeing my brothers cry (heartwrenching) after my Papa passed, or seeing my mother cry (never happens...maybe it's where I get it from) but...I don't know. I've channeled my feelings into other things. I've always known I do this as I sometimes get to a point where I "need" to cry, so I'll watch a sad movie or read a sad book...or like today, I read sad blogs. I wouldn't just cry because I am frustrated or cry because of the grief process (right words?) that the infertility process induces. Man, I need therapy.
I think I've finally pulled myself out of it, and even if it took me until 2 am to get out of it, that's okay. I'm glad I stayed up late enough for it to work though! I didn't want another day of THAT feeling. So I looked at wedding pictures, and edited a few of them just to capture our expressions, and it reminded me how damn LUCKY I am to have a man look at me like this:
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Late Night (Early Morning) Ramblings
I am really getting terrible at updating this thing, but occasionally when I'm having an introspective moment I remember it. Obviously I'm having one of those right now. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want to change about it...as well as how I REALLY feel about some things. I sometimes try to "logic" myself out of certain things and try and convince myself that the logical thing is what I really want...When I should know by now that my emotions rule my decisions for the most part.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I am extremely blessed and lucky in many ways and for good reason...the logic. But I still can't help but feel that I'm "missing" something, and I am fairly certain I (slash We) know what that is... I don't think I've admitted this aloud yet, but I *really* do want babies. I'm scared of the uncertainty, I'm scared of the money, I'm scared that we'll think we were too young one day...but every time AF comes along (which is rarely, but still) every time I get a little sad/depressed. [You know, like today.] Like my body has failed me once again. I know it's going to be difficult to get pregnant for us since I have basically a 70+ day cycle (I forgot the actual number, but basically every 2-3 months). I understand that on a cognitive level, but on an emotional level it's still sad. Logically, should I want kids when we are only 22 & 24? Maybe not. It doesn't sound all that young anymore compared to, say, 15 or 16. But it also doesn't sound like 35. But that is neither here nor there...
I really should ignore all things kid-related on Pinterest, maybe that would help, haha. But I really can't. I want to decorate a nursery and I want to do cute little activities and create sweet little memories and shape a little child into a (hopefully!) amazing adult. I'm ready for that emotionally. From what I have gained talking to some friends, the fears I *do* have are rational and almost everyone experiences them. The quote,"If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them" came up a lot in conversations. It's true. And we could make it if we had one. Maybe I'd have to be a better coupon clipper and we'd have to be more responsible financially, but we *could* make it. Would I probably panic about the money aspect at times? Duh, I do that anyway.
I know this blog is so "stream of consciousness" and just me rambling, but I had to get it out there and I know Seth is sick of me bringing it up. He's so black and white about things, he's like, "I'm ready for kids. You've wanted kids forever. We're married now and we have jobs, a house, vehicles, and love." -- Paraphrased, but that's the jist of what he says. I feel so silly that I'm even bothering to write this, because there isn't anything I can do about it at the moment... *TMI ALERT* It isn't as if we've been using protection for several months now. I mean, there is nothing more (at this stage) to do as far as trying to conceive other than moving along to another step, like talking to my OB/GYN again... they said you normally have to try for a year before there would be any interventions anyway. Well, so far...for all intents and purposes we'll say 4.5 months (even though we know good and well it's been longer, but we've been married for 4.5 months and that is a concrete starting point in my mind.) I logically know that it'll take longer for that to happen. Really, I do. But I'm scared to admit that we're "Trying to conceive" because then...the potential to fail is even greater sounding. Is that ridiculous? Probably. But with the odds stacked against my body I am just having a hard time emotionally admitting that it isn't working. I'm having a hard time thinking the thought, "We've had no luck." I'm having a really hard time processing this even though I KNEW it was coming. As soon as I knew I had PCOS/Endometriosis I KNEW it was coming...but reality and how you really end up feeling cannot be planned for.
*sigh*
That's all for now...
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I am extremely blessed and lucky in many ways and for good reason...the logic. But I still can't help but feel that I'm "missing" something, and I am fairly certain I (slash We) know what that is... I don't think I've admitted this aloud yet, but I *really* do want babies. I'm scared of the uncertainty, I'm scared of the money, I'm scared that we'll think we were too young one day...but every time AF comes along (which is rarely, but still) every time I get a little sad/depressed. [You know, like today.] Like my body has failed me once again. I know it's going to be difficult to get pregnant for us since I have basically a 70+ day cycle (I forgot the actual number, but basically every 2-3 months). I understand that on a cognitive level, but on an emotional level it's still sad. Logically, should I want kids when we are only 22 & 24? Maybe not. It doesn't sound all that young anymore compared to, say, 15 or 16. But it also doesn't sound like 35. But that is neither here nor there...
I really should ignore all things kid-related on Pinterest, maybe that would help, haha. But I really can't. I want to decorate a nursery and I want to do cute little activities and create sweet little memories and shape a little child into a (hopefully!) amazing adult. I'm ready for that emotionally. From what I have gained talking to some friends, the fears I *do* have are rational and almost everyone experiences them. The quote,"If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them" came up a lot in conversations. It's true. And we could make it if we had one. Maybe I'd have to be a better coupon clipper and we'd have to be more responsible financially, but we *could* make it. Would I probably panic about the money aspect at times? Duh, I do that anyway.
I know this blog is so "stream of consciousness" and just me rambling, but I had to get it out there and I know Seth is sick of me bringing it up. He's so black and white about things, he's like, "I'm ready for kids. You've wanted kids forever. We're married now and we have jobs, a house, vehicles, and love." -- Paraphrased, but that's the jist of what he says. I feel so silly that I'm even bothering to write this, because there isn't anything I can do about it at the moment... *TMI ALERT* It isn't as if we've been using protection for several months now. I mean, there is nothing more (at this stage) to do as far as trying to conceive other than moving along to another step, like talking to my OB/GYN again... they said you normally have to try for a year before there would be any interventions anyway. Well, so far...for all intents and purposes we'll say 4.5 months (even though we know good and well it's been longer, but we've been married for 4.5 months and that is a concrete starting point in my mind.) I logically know that it'll take longer for that to happen. Really, I do. But I'm scared to admit that we're "Trying to conceive" because then...the potential to fail is even greater sounding. Is that ridiculous? Probably. But with the odds stacked against my body I am just having a hard time emotionally admitting that it isn't working. I'm having a hard time thinking the thought, "We've had no luck." I'm having a really hard time processing this even though I KNEW it was coming. As soon as I knew I had PCOS/Endometriosis I KNEW it was coming...but reality and how you really end up feeling cannot be planned for.
*sigh*
That's all for now...
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Donated Our Hair!
As a lot of you know, I have been growing my hair out for ages. Originally it was for the wedding but I *knew* I wouldn't be able to grow it out that long for just one day. So I decided after it was long enough, I would donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (I just like their philosophy better than Locks of Love, personal preference.)
Anyway, it took 4 months post-wedding to get my hair to the length I wanted to donate it. Also, Will has been growing his out and Ava's hair was really long. Will's isn't quite long enough - plus he likes his long hair, so he'll be waiting a few more months. But Ava decided to do it too!
I think hers makes her look so grown up! I love it. :)
Anyway, it took 4 months post-wedding to get my hair to the length I wanted to donate it. Also, Will has been growing his out and Ava's hair was really long. Will's isn't quite long enough - plus he likes his long hair, so he'll be waiting a few more months. But Ava decided to do it too!
I think hers makes her look so grown up! I love it. :)
Friday, June 29, 2012
I have no idea what to title this.
I don't even know where to start, honestly. And I don't mean that in some melodramatic "my life is so crazy" kind of way, because honestly I've been a bit bored with my life lately with some random excitement thrown in. So, I guess the appropriate title of this little update would be "my random excitement." Lame.
But here it is anyway.
On Tuesday Seth & I went and watched Ava for the day. We tried to keep her entertained as much as possible considering I have a sprained wrist and Seth's feet have been acting funny lately. Speaking of which, here's this:
It's starting to feel a little bit better considering it's been over a week. So that's good? I don't know. The cast thing is getting to that stage where I need to figure out how to wash it though. Sorry, TMI?
Anyways, here is the Tuesday update:
It was quite an eventful day to be honest. Lots going on. Seth and I were both tired after the day...and realized for the millionth time that we aren't ready to have kids and have the whole world revolve around a little person. Could we adapt to it? Sure, duh, and we'd love it. But we don't want it just yet.
Hmm, Wednesday was fairly uneventul though Jackie came over for several hours and we had girl chat time until Seth came home and insisted we draw and color. LOL. Yes, my husband.
Now Thursday was FUN. Why? Because Jackie and I (and millions of women everywhere) have been waiting and waiting for Magic Mike to come out for ages! As soon as we all figured out what the heck it was we were sold. No further explanation needed.
What is Magic Mike, you may ask? It's only one of the best woman-focused movies of the decade. haha. Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriquez, Alex Pettyfer....... Are you drooling yet? You should be. BUT in case you aren't, here are two of my favorite promo pictures:
Anyway, how this movie relates to my life is that Jackie and I decided to go see the midnight release of it a long time ago. :) haha. So we invited others to tag along. :) So me, Jackie, Jill, Tina, Will & Zach all went to see Magic Mike and 12:01 am on Thursday night. haha. Btw, yes. Jill is Jackie's mom and Tina is my mom! They're cool like that. And yes, it was rated R for a reason. *blush*
My "review" of it could be that Channing Tatum did a good job, as always, BUT I would have loved more Joe Manganiello and Matt Bomer parts. Matthew McConaughey's character was a huge douche, so I'm okay with just seeing him sometimes. Lol. The girl lead (I guess) was okay. She always looked so angry and never happy to have a man as attractive as Channing Tatum interested in her. I didn't like how abrupt it was at times (like, ya know, the ending) but overall of COURSE I will see it again and I will for sure own it. :) Plus I get to see Joe Manganiello half naked on True Blood all the time so I suppose it's okay... Okay no, I'm still bummed that there wasn't more Joe. ;) The only way it could have been better was if Alexander Skarsgard was in it too! hahaha
But here it is anyway.
On Tuesday Seth & I went and watched Ava for the day. We tried to keep her entertained as much as possible considering I have a sprained wrist and Seth's feet have been acting funny lately. Speaking of which, here's this:
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| Chevy is such a sweetie. <3 |
It's starting to feel a little bit better considering it's been over a week. So that's good? I don't know. The cast thing is getting to that stage where I need to figure out how to wash it though. Sorry, TMI?
Anyways, here is the Tuesday update:
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| We flew kites. |
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| Seth attempted to teach Ava how to play cornhole. |
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| This one just cracks me up because of her hair. :) |
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| We hung out outside and we both complained about how our hair was too long. Sisters. Lol |
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| And we took her to the pool for an hour and a half. |
Hmm, Wednesday was fairly uneventul though Jackie came over for several hours and we had girl chat time until Seth came home and insisted we draw and color. LOL. Yes, my husband.
Now Thursday was FUN. Why? Because Jackie and I (and millions of women everywhere) have been waiting and waiting for Magic Mike to come out for ages! As soon as we all figured out what the heck it was we were sold. No further explanation needed.
What is Magic Mike, you may ask? It's only one of the best woman-focused movies of the decade. haha. Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriquez, Alex Pettyfer....... Are you drooling yet? You should be. BUT in case you aren't, here are two of my favorite promo pictures:
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| This is Joe Manganiello (yes, Alcide from True Blood) and he is hot as hell. |
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| Stolen from Kelli because it's scrumptious. |
My "review" of it could be that Channing Tatum did a good job, as always, BUT I would have loved more Joe Manganiello and Matt Bomer parts. Matthew McConaughey's character was a huge douche, so I'm okay with just seeing him sometimes. Lol. The girl lead (I guess) was okay. She always looked so angry and never happy to have a man as attractive as Channing Tatum interested in her. I didn't like how abrupt it was at times (like, ya know, the ending) but overall of COURSE I will see it again and I will for sure own it. :) Plus I get to see Joe Manganiello half naked on True Blood all the time so I suppose it's okay... Okay no, I'm still bummed that there wasn't more Joe. ;) The only way it could have been better was if Alexander Skarsgard was in it too! hahaha
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| Our Midnight showing ticket!!! So worth it. |
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss
Oh my word.
I just watched the story of Jacqui on Extreme Makeover. She was over 300 lbs, I think 355 (so a bit more than me) but she also has PCOS and can't have children. She lost 207 pounds in a year and weighed in at 148 lbs! I cried. I am amazed and inspired. I need to lose weight and have hit many, many issues with this due to my PCOS and my Endometriosis. I do have a few more issues than the girl featured (the Endo being one of those) but that is no reason to give up.
I'm nervous to publicly admit I have a problem. I talk about my PCOS/Endo freely because I have no control of that, but admitting that I have a problem with my weight (as obvious as it may be) is harder. It's something that I do have control over. I don't have as much control as the average person, because PCOS makes it much more difficult to lose the weight, but that is not a good enough reason to ignore it or become passive about it. I'm scared as hell. I'm scared to attempt this....again. I've attempted it so many times to no avail, to just have my body combat me and GAIN weight when I'm trying to lose it, to get so discouraged...but I am hoping and praying that my story can end up like this woman's story. I need a good workout buddy, I guess? I wish I could afford a coach or whatever.
I just watched the story of Jacqui on Extreme Makeover. She was over 300 lbs, I think 355 (so a bit more than me) but she also has PCOS and can't have children. She lost 207 pounds in a year and weighed in at 148 lbs! I cried. I am amazed and inspired. I need to lose weight and have hit many, many issues with this due to my PCOS and my Endometriosis. I do have a few more issues than the girl featured (the Endo being one of those) but that is no reason to give up.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Little Ones
I've been meaning to write this post for a long time (okay, a few months) about babies. I know I haven't blogged much about this topic recently because we've decided to wait (sort of) for a while before embarking on that journey. I know it will be a journey, too, because of my issues, and we are not ready just yet. Or rather, I'm not. It's me, not him, at this point. Which is ironic, if you've been following our story for a long time.
BUT what I really wanted to blog about was how damn cute we were as kids! ha. While getting the pictures together for our slideshow I knew I wanted to write a blog I could incorporate the pictures of us as darling little kids into.... So, with fair warning, this particular post will be a "post in progress." I don't have the time to write it all right now because my wrist is bugging me while I type.
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So here's the story, readers. I don't know if I've ever shared the story of how I first knew *for sure* that I loved my husband, but here it is. :)
My youngest sister Ava (who is now 8!) is adopted. My family adopted her from China in 2008 when she was 4 years old. She has some medical issues and some other issues (therefore, special needs adoption) so the adoption process went a little bit quicker. Seth and I had started dating in June 2008 and my parents traveled to China that December. We'd been dating a little over 6 months when they came back. He had helped me over those two weeks as I was "in charge" of my brothers who were 13 (or 14?) and 11-ish at the time, I think.
Anyway, when my parents' flight finally arrived and we met our little sister in person for the first time (we'd Skyped a lot while they were in China) it was super late. We didn't get home from the airport until after midnight, probably closer to 1 am? Well Ava wasn't phased by this at all, as she didn't realize it was night time. She was hours behind us and ready to explore and play. So Seth and I (and Will & Zach) stayed up with her while Mom & Mark were able to wind down and unpack, chill out for a minute. Seeing Seth with Ava (who was tiny at this point, by the way, she literally looked about 2-3, not 4.5) just melted my heart. He was so good with her and it got those wheels turning. When you think, "He would make a great Dad" you know you are talking long term. :)
And that's the story, basically. OH! And then I saw pictures of Baby Seth and Toddler Seth and I just have to have one of my own one day! ;) You know, besides the grown man that I love and live with of course.
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I'll just upload these precious pictures to remind myself why we need to make adorable babies one day. :)
BUT what I really wanted to blog about was how damn cute we were as kids! ha. While getting the pictures together for our slideshow I knew I wanted to write a blog I could incorporate the pictures of us as darling little kids into.... So, with fair warning, this particular post will be a "post in progress." I don't have the time to write it all right now because my wrist is bugging me while I type.
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So here's the story, readers. I don't know if I've ever shared the story of how I first knew *for sure* that I loved my husband, but here it is. :)
My youngest sister Ava (who is now 8!) is adopted. My family adopted her from China in 2008 when she was 4 years old. She has some medical issues and some other issues (therefore, special needs adoption) so the adoption process went a little bit quicker. Seth and I had started dating in June 2008 and my parents traveled to China that December. We'd been dating a little over 6 months when they came back. He had helped me over those two weeks as I was "in charge" of my brothers who were 13 (or 14?) and 11-ish at the time, I think.
Anyway, when my parents' flight finally arrived and we met our little sister in person for the first time (we'd Skyped a lot while they were in China) it was super late. We didn't get home from the airport until after midnight, probably closer to 1 am? Well Ava wasn't phased by this at all, as she didn't realize it was night time. She was hours behind us and ready to explore and play. So Seth and I (and Will & Zach) stayed up with her while Mom & Mark were able to wind down and unpack, chill out for a minute. Seeing Seth with Ava (who was tiny at this point, by the way, she literally looked about 2-3, not 4.5) just melted my heart. He was so good with her and it got those wheels turning. When you think, "He would make a great Dad" you know you are talking long term. :)
And that's the story, basically. OH! And then I saw pictures of Baby Seth and Toddler Seth and I just have to have one of my own one day! ;) You know, besides the grown man that I love and live with of course.
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I'll just upload these precious pictures to remind myself why we need to make adorable babies one day. :)
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| My beautiful Mommy. <3 |
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| Look at those curls! Oh. Em. Gee. |
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| I was a bit of a dramatic child.... Lol. |
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| Can I keep it? *so adorable* |
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| It just wouldn't be Seth without a Nascar related picture or 3. Lol. |
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| There are no words to describe how much my heart melted the first time I saw these. Of COURSE I want to make babies with him. ;) hahah |
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