Tired of myself.

I'm so tired of having all of these random, seemingly small things break me down. I know it sounds ridiculous...I promise you, no more ridiculous than it feels. I'm hopeful that many of you don't know what it feels like, and for that I'm happy. I try not to get caught up in the "why me" feelings that go along with this...journey. I wouldn't wish this on the person that hurt me the most.

I am assuming that most of you know the storyline by now and most of you will know what I'm going on about...I might as well add it to the title of my blog, eh? It seems to be coming up even more than lately. Today it was because of how sharply I was feeling the Endo pains return. Like a knife stuck into my ovaries. It's one of those pains that, while painful physically (trust me...very), the most painful part is thinking of the implications. Knowing WHY I had that excruciating punch to the gut. Knowing what it does or could mean. It is not something I ever thought I would experience at such a young age...or ever. You always hear stories of women with fertility problems but you never think about that being you or your family story. Heck, I even watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 for several seasons and never once thought of what it would be like 'for real.'

It almost makes me think that the other hardships I've had in my life have prepared me for this.....but if that's the case, I must have missed a lesson or two, or so I feel. I don't feel prepared to deal with this. I can be "logical" about it, I can write things down, which I often do just to feel in control of something relevant to this, but it only helps quel the anxiety. It doesn't actually FIX anything or DO anything. I can't do that. I don't have the power. I feel utterly powerless and tired due to the struggle and it's begun to affect me in other aspects of my life. I feel less than. I feel like I have a giant Achilles heel with an arrow pointing towards it. I can feel myself growing more and more bitter and I struggle with that feeling. I don't know what I need at this point to get past this, but I need it soon.

Writing this helps, especially since I'm not even mentally ready to go on a TTC board or anything just yet. I couldn't handle it. I'm not even back to the point I was a few months ago. I'm done trying to convince myself that I don't want this yet. Of course I will still sometimes mention that financially and even other aspects are not exactly perfect, but that doesn't change a whole lot. We've been married for 5 months now (can you believe it? As of last Friday! ha) and we've been together for over 4 years (which I know to a lot of is wimpy) but for us, we're fine. We're both in our early to mid twenties, we both have a direction to go in, we both want kids.......but here I am, powerless and unable to do that. I am literally physically exhausted on some days like today. I want to just go to sleep but my mind refuses to shut off and I cried earlier, which was odd. I really hate crying over this, I feel like most people expect me to be "over it" by now. Everyone always says, "Oh it will work out! It has to!" or something else they think is the right thing to say. And it is, for them. It just isn't really what I need. I really need someone to go, "It may not work out. Make sure you keep your mind open and don't fixate on this."

In the words of Miranda Lambert, this is how I perceive this. I know it isn't what her song is talking about, but I really connect with these words.

..........Weather man said, it's gonna snow, by now I should be used to the cold..........

Like I should be "used to" this idea by now. That I shouldn't be surprised, considering I felt Endo pains about 2 months post-op anyways. I guess just knowing that indeed they are Endo pains and it's been over 7 months since my surgery, and the most likely time to conceive post-op is the 6 months right after. It kind of cracks the exterior at least for me. I feel so mentally weak through all of this. 

 

See? I'm even tired of my thoughts, I'm sure you all are too. I must sound so negative and ungrateful. The positive sides are that we ARE young-ish and have plenty of time to try. That is positive (obviously it would/will still have the same painful affects as it already is having). Another positive would be that if it doesn't work out this way we have plenty of time to prepare for the other ways to work out. That isn't exactly the most positive though, I wouldn't say. It's difficult. No matter how old, no matter where you are in your life, it SUCKS to know that you are "less than normal" or less than capable. The other positive is that so far we have not had to go through what I imagine is the crushing feeling of loss associated with miscarriage or things of that nature. Thoughts of that haunt me, but I haven't quite gotten to the point where I think of that too much. Obviously I am not naive enough to think that couldn't happen to me anymore. I pray to God that the feelings and journey I am on now are not in preparation for something of that magnitude.

That's all, I suppose. Emotional vent over. Now to go listen to some uplifting music.