I'm reading this really awesome book. Honestly, most people probably wouldn't consider it awesome because it seems juvenile, maybe, or irrelevant to some. It's called "52 Fights." The book is about a couple's first year living together, dealing with the changes, and all of the fights and thoughts about the fights and reflection on the fights. It's psychological, without being preachy at all. It's just this woman's open, honest account of her fights that every couple goes through. And it's helping me. Now, see, the problem is that it is ONLY helping me. It's helping me to realize why things happen and how I want to deal with them, but when I DO that, it just gets thrown back in my face. Now this does not only apply to me and Seth, it applies to a lot of my relationships. Granted, it does apply to Seth and I. We do fight, we argue, we disagree, we don't see eye to eye, but in the end we both want the same thing. That is what I am getting out of this book - that that is okay and it happens in most couples that are honest with their feelings and it's OK and it WILL work out if you work at it. That gives me hope.
How this relates to my other relationships is this - I don't know if my mother reads this blog, but here we go. I texted her last night with my (I thought) good/cool news - I wanted to get my tattoo today. Instead I get back a series of texts saying I am too broke to get a tattoo, I'm not thinking it through, and I am making a "poor decision." I don't think my mother realizes that my tattoo will only cost maybe $40. That's not that much money, whether you are broke or not. She claims it only has to do with money - so I assume that as soon as I get a job and pay for my own stuff she won't have an issue.. No, now it's just a "poor decision." My goodness, I really felt so judged. I have wanted this tattoo (this particular one, in this particular area, on this particular foot) literally for three years. It is NOT an impulse. It has been thought out - A LOT. And I finally decide that I'm ready - and I'm shut down. Because I am still in that uncomfortable place where my mother and father help me out financially. So this has turned into dictation over the way the money is used? But only when they feel I am using it irresponsibly. The concept just irritates me. Honestly, it just does. It comes across as pushy and controlling and judgmental. And I do not do well with any of those emotions being directed at me when I am also sometimes called "so mature." Why does it become mature when you agree with it and immature and impulsive when it's a disagreed upon thing? I feel like I'm being told to Be my parents and that's impossible. I want to be me. If me is someone with a really awesome tattoo on her foot, so be it, that will be me.
I appreciate their help IMMENSELY - but I don't like the control factor. Loan companies don't control how you spend their money. Why is family trying to be more controlling than a corporation?? It's just a point, and this is mainly just frustration/anger/irritation, but it is still how I feel somewhat. Why does it matter how I spend my "allowance?" And why did no one tell me that they were going to be like this BEFORE they told me they would help me out financially through college? Not really. Not when it's a choice that I am the only one that has to deal with it. Not when it's control over things. I don't know how to deal with this. I usually don't know how to deal with it because I get too emotional in the heat of the moment. I am not spoiled. Spoiled is a girl who has never worked a day in her life (not me) who has never had to help out her family (not me) who drives a super nice car (by super nice I mean a BMW, Mercedes, etc) and who does not take into consideration anyone else (also not me.) Someone who doesn't work hard at what they're doing (not me) and someone who is immature (again, not me, usually). So......... I'll leave it at that. I am just a 20-year old woman who is comfortable with a decision that cannot be carried out until I have a job.... Awkward.
I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and I'm ready to veg out with my puppies and my boyfriend and the TV. I need to reflect. And if I re-read this tomorrow and realize I sound ridiculous I'll take it down - and, more than likely, I'll leave it so I don't censor myself. It's my blog, at the very least. It's free. ;) And I kind of want to remember how I felt about this instead of it being fuzzy in my memory. Gosh I love blogging sometimes. It's like therapy.
BYE BLOGGERS
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