Today has been...full of revelations and things, I guess you could say. I went to my great-aunt's funeral today. I haven't seen her in a while, but it's still hard when someone you know passes. But what this really brought up was a question of mortality to me. It made me really start to realize that you never know who is next. It scares me that it will be my Nanny or my Papa. They are both getting up there, age-wise, and neither are in perfect health. It isn't very fun to think of these things, but at the same time, I know that then their bodies wouldn't hurt and they'd get some peace. It's kind of contradictory and almost feels selfish doesn't it? Like 'stay alive so I can have you at my wedding.' It feels so contrived. I love them dearly and don't want anything to happen to them, but I do notice that life is alot harder for them than it has been in the past, physically. Nanny walks a mile a day and all...but she's been giving herself insulin shots for years. She moves slower and thinks slower and doesn't really seem to enjoy life as much. I want her to enjoy life, but at the same time, I don't want her to suffer and just not say anything. (She's from that generation, and so it my Papa.) If it hurts, deal with it....right?
Anyways. This also brought up another issue I have. I feel like I can't talk out my feelings anymore, and maybe it's just that I'm looking for the wrong outlet. Maybe I should just write them here? It's making me feel better right now. I stopped crying. I feel more logical. It's kind of nice.
Back on track.... my other issue that this day has brought up is that I feel like my family is "big/small." I have a lot of immediate and step family.... but no cousins, aunts, uncles. It feels sort of "off." I know that neither of my parents have brothers or sisters they grew up with, but it still feels very small in a way. Like yeah I have a TON of siblings if you look at it (2 biological, 1 adopted, 3 step = 6) but I don't have that "helpful Aunt" or that Uncle like my Dad kind of relationship with anyone. At least I know my kids will have that one day. With all 7 of us, they will have A LOT of cousins and aunts and uncles. That's something I enjoy thinking about the future. :) Maybe I should stop being selfish wishing for things that will never change, but it's my blog. I'll be selfish if I want to. My thoughts = My blog. :)
And yet another issue came up that I've never actually dealt with. I haven't dealt with it yet, even though I know where it comes from for the first time. I now can better pinpoint where my instability comes from and my need for control. My childhood (the later part, 8-15 or so) was very very unstable. I moved a lot. I didn't know what would happen next. It was very overwhelming and it came out in bad ways. One physical, several emotional I guess. My need for control is kind of ridiculous to others at times, but it makes perfect sense to me. When you move several times to several different TYPES of places, you like to know where the next one will be, how it will get paid for, etc, in your adult life. (I make it sound like I have this under control....ha!) But I've lived in big houses, small houses, medium houses, apartments, rooms, dorms, different cities. Because of this I feel very unstable about new living arrangements. Others don't see it as a good thing that I "overplan" but for me to feel comfortable at all...I have to. I've never really looked at my childhood as unstable for that reason before. I mean the whole "divorced parents" thing and all that isn't exactly stability but I just considered it rough. I never thought of the other things happening and how they in turn affected me. I like knowing where it comes from. I don't think it will change. But it's good to know the root of the problem, nonetheless. I really just need someone to tell me things are all right and to hold me. Does that sound silly? Well it's true. I need reassurance. I'll never ask for it - too much pride. But I NEED it just as much as the next person.
On that note.... "I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship." ~ Louise May Alcott
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