Infertility Rant

Sometimes steady growth is restraining because you want to go at your own pace, which can be faster than everyone else's.

Oh, boy.

I can't even begin to get my thoughts in order right now.

This may be kind of stupid....but I watched Juno. That was a BIG mistake. I kept seeing myself in Jennifer Garner's character and it made me cry. The movie makes me cry anyways, but since a few conversations yesterday it was on my mind. Let's get down to yesterday (Saturday, that is).

Saturday I had lunch with my Dad and then my Mom came up and spent the night at my apartment for the first time. Seth had gone "home" to work on somebody's truck or whatever. So Mom came up and we went to dinner and then to Elea's Senior Recital and then to the movies. We saw Life As We Know It with Josh Duhamel and Katherine Heigl -- love them and loved it. I definitely want it when it comes out! The movie itself was kind of...beautiful?

But the conversation that, surprisingly, I had with both of my parents on separate occasions was about my fertility issue. The basics are that they don't get the issue (or my issue with the issue)...yet. I mean, they understand what the issue IS and they seem to get that I do WANT babies, but I think right now all they see is my age and the fact that we are not married yet and making money and such.

I totally get those logistical points. Of COURSE I do! I get that we are still students, for the meantime anyway (6 more months!) and that we aren't getting married for a little while (like I said, early 2012)...but that means that I can at least begin thinking about what to do for my situation as far as fertility, right? At least figure out what my options are and what to try first and when to try and these things. Really it's not that far off. Think about it...early 2012 is less than a year and a half from now. By NO MEANS am I saying ooohhh let's plan out pregnancy options. But I personally see no problem *thinking* about my options. To be honest....I have hardly even googled my options. I know the basics: fertility drugs like clomid, some forms of shots, IVF (invitro), surrogacy and adoption. Those are the "main" options I think and I haven't researched ANY of them. (That will be a huge surprise to Hannah and probably Seth)

But here is the "but" that I have to their reasoning. BUT, my ovaries get worse every single day. They look like damn pickled eggs with the stupid cysts. BUT it will be more likely that I will get pregnant easier if I am younger (say, 22 or 23). And BUT, I want babies before I'm older. I will go with the plan that God has for me, but I would prefer to not be 30+ when I have my first child or adopt my first child. For what it's worth, I think God's plan is for me to have my first child and adopt my second. But, who knows. We shall see, yes?

I am aware that I am young-ish. I am aware that this decision is not imminent. But I am also aware of the restrictions my disorder is putting on my "fertility clock." The clock is ticking or whatever. I am also aware that it will most likely be more difficult for us to conceive and I almost feel like contraceptions are taking away my chances. Slightly crazy and insane thought? Yep. But it's my natural thought. I also think sometimes that contraception = a waste of money. But of course the day I test that is the day I'm 20/21 with an unplanned pregnancy. Which would be a blessing, but I WOULD like to have some of the logistics on my side.... done with college, working, money, house, married, etc etc.

This rant has kind of ended up here: I want babies. I want babies in my 20s. I am so sad and upset sometimes that my ability to do this au naturale was taken from me by my uncooperative body. I would rather have babies young than not have babies at all. I would rather be unconventional and have a harder few first years with my babies than a hard few years without babies and LOTS of older years without children at all. I am jealous of mothers, young or old, easy or hard. Jealous isn't the right word, but it's what I came up with. It's a combo of jealous, hopeful, happy and aware. The baby shows on TV capture my attention even while they make me feel inadequate in some ways. I think I will be a good mom. As good as a human being can be at that role anyways. OH, and btw world, my mom already called dibs on "Nana" as her grandparent name. :) I empathize (and maybe on a level sympathize? wording sucks today) with people that have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a very long time and/or those mothers that have experienced loss of a baby/babies. I truly wish to learn from their journeys and sort of think that by not waiting for when it is "convenient" that I can more easily achieve that ultimate dream.

I doubt I even make any sense............

Bye world, see you in a few.