HA.

Today, got some things cleared up I guess. Not fixed, but out in the open. I'm happy about that.

This week....oh, boy.
Tomorrow I have to do some practicum hours and study with Hannah for our Law & Society final on Tuesday. Then, Tuesday night we need to study for our Terrorism final on Wednesday. Wednesday I need to do a few more practicum hours if possible and take the Terrorism final and turn in my Terrorism Honors paper. Also need to finish the Corrections Paper and Presentation for Thursday. On Thursday I have the Presentation & Paper due for Corrections. On Friday, I have a five page paper due in Practicum. I also need to do more practicum hours that day, since I need to turn a paper in that day anyways.

Whew.

Then over the weekend on Sunday is Ava's adoption party - 2 years. Wow! Also I need to work on my paper for Sexuality & Spirituality. It's due next Wednesday, I think. I need to finish up my practicum hours by December 10th (next Friday). I REALLY hope I do my best on all of these things, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by this. Having it written down helps though, so I can keep to a schedule. :/ Sigh. But then I'm DONE by December 10th for a few weeks!! :D Then I start my LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE. YES.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
This picture is of everyone except Mom, who likes to hide from the camera. And Will's eyes are closed, but hey. It's the only big group pic from Thanksgiving.

My stomach virus that I got on Monday am FINALLY went away late last night and I am SO glad! I was praying and praying that I would not be "that sick girl" on Thanksgiving, especially with all the yummy possibilities. :D

Let's skip the sick days (aka Monday-Wednesday) and get on to the good stuff. This morning I got to Seth's grandma's house around 12-ish and helped her finish up the cooking and setting tables and whatnot. We ate - and it was good. The ham was DELICIOUS and the squash casserole was a new Thanksgiving thing. I was told I'm not country enough since I don't eat collards - lol. I just don't like how they smell :/ Or look. lol.

We left there around 4:oo and went down to my Mom's house. OH MY. I hope that I can get the pictures that we took. The table alone was impressive! hahaha. It looked like the Brady Bunch was going to have Thanksgiving dinner there. It was the dining room table + the kitchen table put together. YEAH, so we have a big family. And they "figured out" that they'll have enough room for a kids table one day when we all have little munchkins. *sigh*

It was Ava, Zach, Will, Me, Seth, Mom, Mark, Nanny, Papa & Nic. We had yummy food again and Ava made us all turkey placemats - so cute. Of course all the food was delicious, but my favorite, as always was the casserole. That stuff. What would I do without being able to have that twice a year? :D Besides be thinner. ;)

Everything was good food-wise and family-wise. Lots of fun. It was Ava's second Thanksgiving with us. :) We left around 9 pm. And now here I am, with my puppies who are loving their REAL bones that they got. SLEEPING tomorrow!

OH, we got the disc of all the Family Photoshoot! Here's a sneak peak!

Confusion, Pictures & Harry Potter? :)

I have been in a state of confusion for weeks now! I keep feeling like as soon as I figure something out, it blows up in my face. I have expectations and they aren't met or I don't have any expectations and I miss something. I just, basically, can't figure out how to live my life anymore.

That may sound stupid and whiny, and I understand that. But it is the best way I can think of to put into words. I'm not sure what the date of my last post was, since I am no longer using this daily (even though I should).

Let's do an update of sorts, then.

On Friday (Nov 19th) it was my youngest brother's 14th birthday! Happy Birthday Zachy! I always feel old when a sibling has a birthday. Like I've said, I don't feel any older when I have my OWN birthdays, but when I have a sibling have a birthday, it is then that I realize how much older everyone in my life, including myself, is getting. Will is 16 now and will be 17 in March. *gasp* He's almost a legal adult! WTF! And Zach, like I said, is 14 now. He'll be 15 in less than a year - driving!! Ava will be 7 in April. WHAT?! Yeah. And I'll be 21 on my next birthday. How very strange. Even stranger? My Papa will be 80 - yes EIGHTY - in January. I feel so blessed that I've gotten to share at least 20 years with my grandparents. But at the same time...I've only ever had 2 grandparents at all. I never "really" had paternal grandparents because my grand-daddy died a few months before I was born, and my "ammama" <-- how I said it, passed away when I was just 3. But enough of that. So on Saturday (20th) I went home for Zach's birthday dinner and to do Christmas pictures for our Christmas cards. Seth was included this year. :) I guess that makes us more legitimate in my parents' eyes? haha. No one even blinked. My Papa kept asking when he got to help plan the wedding. Ha! Don't get me started on that. Our pictures were taken by a local photographer - credit to AshleyWhitePhotography. She did a good job considering what her subjects were - MY Crazy family. Here are a few "proofs" I guess they are called.














This last one will be a choice for our cards. :) That's Nic in the front (foreign exchange student). I'll post the ones we get on the disc later if there are any that are suppperrr cute. I liked how most of these turned out. So after this (it was a little less than an hour) we went to Nanny & Papa's really quick and I got to meet their new kitten! :) Made me miss my puppies. :/ :/ They are at their favorite boarding place (Seriously, they get excited when we get there, so I don't feel as bad leaving them.) We can't do pick-ups on Sundays apparently so we can't get them until tomorrow morning. It's soooo weird being here without my puppies. I don't like it.

OH, but dinner! We went to O'Charley's and had a really good waiter. :) haha. His name was Rich and he did very well with our table of 1000. Jk. But it was 11 people on a Saturday night. Food was good, company was better. (Just in case, it was: Bday boy Zach, Will, Tyler (Will & Zach's friend), Nic, Seth, Me, Ava, Mom, Mark, Nanny & Papa).

Afterwards, we went to see the new Harry Potter. :) It was soooo long - and I had no idea! It did NOT feel that long at all! (It was about 3 hours) And we also decided Will looks a little like Daniel Radcliffe (Harry) as far as bone structure. lol. It was good - I want to see the next one NOW. :p Movies are awesome.

Today we went to church. :) I love going to church, when I get to. My Mom suggested the chapel (not the sanctuary) for our wedding one day (in 2074, at this point).......... Whatever, man.

'So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your
God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my
righteous right hand.' Isaiah 41:10

I realllllllllyyyyyyyy hope this starts working sometime soon. I need it.

Limbo

Soooooo frustrated. I have come to a really sad version of inner peace. I'm pretty sure about how I feel regarding certain things, but I don't know where to go from here. I am in a state of unsatisfied limbo. Neither here, nor there.

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

I don't even get what the next step is going to be, and I feel unprepared. I realize life doesn't have a book for you to use to navigate it and I am totally on unfamiliar ground, but this ground feels a lot like thin ice. It feels so uncertain. And I hate that feeling. I'm a control freak, yes, but I think it's completely normal to wonder "What's next?" What can possibly come after that or this or where am I headed.

It's only a [mistake], if you didn't learn from it... If you did, it's a LESSON LEARNED.

In a state of limbo. Goodnight blogger. <3

Infertility Rant

Sometimes steady growth is restraining because you want to go at your own pace, which can be faster than everyone else's.

Oh, boy.

I can't even begin to get my thoughts in order right now.

This may be kind of stupid....but I watched Juno. That was a BIG mistake. I kept seeing myself in Jennifer Garner's character and it made me cry. The movie makes me cry anyways, but since a few conversations yesterday it was on my mind. Let's get down to yesterday (Saturday, that is).

Saturday I had lunch with my Dad and then my Mom came up and spent the night at my apartment for the first time. Seth had gone "home" to work on somebody's truck or whatever. So Mom came up and we went to dinner and then to Elea's Senior Recital and then to the movies. We saw Life As We Know It with Josh Duhamel and Katherine Heigl -- love them and loved it. I definitely want it when it comes out! The movie itself was kind of...beautiful?

But the conversation that, surprisingly, I had with both of my parents on separate occasions was about my fertility issue. The basics are that they don't get the issue (or my issue with the issue)...yet. I mean, they understand what the issue IS and they seem to get that I do WANT babies, but I think right now all they see is my age and the fact that we are not married yet and making money and such.

I totally get those logistical points. Of COURSE I do! I get that we are still students, for the meantime anyway (6 more months!) and that we aren't getting married for a little while (like I said, early 2012)...but that means that I can at least begin thinking about what to do for my situation as far as fertility, right? At least figure out what my options are and what to try first and when to try and these things. Really it's not that far off. Think about it...early 2012 is less than a year and a half from now. By NO MEANS am I saying ooohhh let's plan out pregnancy options. But I personally see no problem *thinking* about my options. To be honest....I have hardly even googled my options. I know the basics: fertility drugs like clomid, some forms of shots, IVF (invitro), surrogacy and adoption. Those are the "main" options I think and I haven't researched ANY of them. (That will be a huge surprise to Hannah and probably Seth)

But here is the "but" that I have to their reasoning. BUT, my ovaries get worse every single day. They look like damn pickled eggs with the stupid cysts. BUT it will be more likely that I will get pregnant easier if I am younger (say, 22 or 23). And BUT, I want babies before I'm older. I will go with the plan that God has for me, but I would prefer to not be 30+ when I have my first child or adopt my first child. For what it's worth, I think God's plan is for me to have my first child and adopt my second. But, who knows. We shall see, yes?

I am aware that I am young-ish. I am aware that this decision is not imminent. But I am also aware of the restrictions my disorder is putting on my "fertility clock." The clock is ticking or whatever. I am also aware that it will most likely be more difficult for us to conceive and I almost feel like contraceptions are taking away my chances. Slightly crazy and insane thought? Yep. But it's my natural thought. I also think sometimes that contraception = a waste of money. But of course the day I test that is the day I'm 20/21 with an unplanned pregnancy. Which would be a blessing, but I WOULD like to have some of the logistics on my side.... done with college, working, money, house, married, etc etc.

This rant has kind of ended up here: I want babies. I want babies in my 20s. I am so sad and upset sometimes that my ability to do this au naturale was taken from me by my uncooperative body. I would rather have babies young than not have babies at all. I would rather be unconventional and have a harder few first years with my babies than a hard few years without babies and LOTS of older years without children at all. I am jealous of mothers, young or old, easy or hard. Jealous isn't the right word, but it's what I came up with. It's a combo of jealous, hopeful, happy and aware. The baby shows on TV capture my attention even while they make me feel inadequate in some ways. I think I will be a good mom. As good as a human being can be at that role anyways. OH, and btw world, my mom already called dibs on "Nana" as her grandparent name. :) I empathize (and maybe on a level sympathize? wording sucks today) with people that have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a very long time and/or those mothers that have experienced loss of a baby/babies. I truly wish to learn from their journeys and sort of think that by not waiting for when it is "convenient" that I can more easily achieve that ultimate dream.

I doubt I even make any sense............

Bye world, see you in a few.

Dear Rain, Not Today. Sincerely, My Parade.

Ahhh, I love finding new awesome sites. Dear blank, please blank...

:)

That's all for today.

Pic-a-tures :)

NOT sure where to start. Let's do a very brief overview of my school week: Nothing happened. Classes were boring.

After our last class today at 8:07 pm (I hate being held late, ha) Hannah and I went back to her place and then Seth joined us after HE got out of class. In between those two things happening, there was a fire thing at Hannah's apartments. THAT was great. ;) So then we found the cool function on the MAC. We hadn't played with it yet. So I'm going to post a few of the favorites. :D

AND then we played with this freakin' awesome Nikon. Or really Hannah played with it and Seth and I got embarassing (and some cute) pics taken! hahaha. It's okay, we are semi-camera whores anyways. ;) Here are a few.

Good job photog Hannah. ;) And I'm soooo proud of Hannah for staying up to a college bedtime instead of an old lady's! hahaha. She JUST went to sleep at 3 something am!! SO IMPRESSED!! ;)

Halloween Pic and Randomness

See the adorable pictures at the bottom even if you don't read this!! haha.
A pretty good amount of stuff has been going on, though none of it majorly impacting, I guess you could say? I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start writing.

Saturday Seth & I went out to dinner with Elea & Derek. It was good/fun/funny and then we went to see Due Date with Robert Downey, Jr (did I mention that I find him ridiculously hot??) and Zach Galifianakis (funny guy, seriously). The movie was pretty cute; the previews gave a lot of it away but it was sitll really cute.


Then we just hung out some more. McDonalds for late dessert, WalMart because Elea needed a brush. Basically just hanging out after that.

Well then Sunday we didn't do a whole lot - I don't actually remember "doing" anything. Today (Monday) Seth had school and we went and kidnapped Hannah and she hung out and talked with us and then just me when Seth went to school. Then Seth got out of school and we went to Checkers. Yum. haha. That's basically it.

BUT, this is the cutest thing in the whole world. This is my sister Ava on Halloween. Yes, a red-heared Asian Mermaid-Rocker. ADORABLE.

100th Post

This is my 100th post! Unless blogger is lying to me, that is. Which is very exciting in some odd way! :) A lot has happened since I started this thing. :) On that interestingly happy note, I'm just going to throw up a quote that really caught my eye today. I have no idea who to give credit to for it, but I love it and I'm not taking personal credit for it obviously.

I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest, Nor do I have the perfect body. I might not be everyone's first choice, but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.

I feel like this quote is something all of us women need to realize while in serious relationships or while single and looking for a "good man." I only say this because I have a good friend that needs to re-read this quote again :)

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EDIT: (I decided I wanted to add to this at about 1 am - I just needed to type) Life is a complicated thing. You never get what you thought you would, no matter if it's by a little bit or by a lot, you will be surprised. I just read my bff Hannah's blog. First of all Hannah, you totally pegged Seth and I - love so strong that not even our stubborn asses can mess it up. To be honest, I sort of teared up when I read that, even though it wasn't particularly sweet. It was just so damn true. I know, I'm a huge emotional pile of mush when anyone seems to understand me better than I thought they did. That is exactly right though. "Young" relationships are not easy, but I feel like they are worth it because they challenge you so much. You are challenged to grow up and for your significant other (SO) to grow up and to still wo rk well together. It's okay if it stops working, you move on, but when it DOES work, it's a beautiful thing. I don't see it as "changing for another person" I see it as you change, together, to make both of you better. If you aren't making eachother better, then you have no business being in a relationship. If you aren't challenging eachother to change views or to change perception or to change the way you deal with people - then your relationship ultimately does not benefit either of you very much. Unless you two were perfect to begin with (ha!)

Seth and I. We challenge the hell out of eachother. He challenges me to let down my guard, to "chill the f*ck out," to let my anxiety just BE, to accept different things and learn to relax and enjoy more. I challenge him to grow up a little, to realize life isn't all about the cupcakes/race cars, to learn to communicate more openly and effectively and to not be afraid of plans. None of these things are BAD changes. Have we changed together over the years of our relationship? You betcha. Well, DAMN I HOPE SO. If neither of us had changed, I would be worried. When people say "you changed for your boyfriend" to someone, I say to that no, it's changed with my boyfriend. I changed because of. Not for. I can only change for myself. But my pride doesn't get in the way of this change because changes made in love and for the right reasons last.

I know some people may think we are too young to be talking marriage. Granted, I don't find 22 and 24 that young. Scratch that, we may be 21 and 23 for a few more months if the date we both like is available. It would be 2 months before our birthdays (yes, our birthdays are very very close.) And about 2 months before our 4 year anniversary. Th e ability to succeed in a marriage is not about how old you are to me. It never has been. At the same time, I used to think "I'll be 25 or so. Maybe 27." Well. Maybe so, but I just don't see our relationship taking that long to get there.

I used to think life was all about education and money. I think this was because I was scared of love. I was scared of being hurt and trusting and changing. I think all three things can successfully create a happy life (with lots of other little things). I think education is important - which is why I will have my Bachelors degree and be partway through my Masters when we get married and why he will finish his degree before then too, and maybe even take some certification classes. Education clearly did not get taken away. I think you need money to be happy (I think it's the number one cause of divorce) well since we will both have our education, I think that we will both be able to provide a happy and comfortable lifestyle. I think that love, no matter if you are 20 or 30, is important in a marriage. (That is kind of a "duhhh") but I think some people get married only for the status or the novelty or to have kids or just because they are "supposed" to. For the wedding, rather than the marriage. I could forego the wedding. As long as I can commit to spending the rest of my life with Seth, I see nothing that I can't do. I see nothing standing in my way. If it doesn't work out 15, 20 years down the road, at least we can say we tried, and better yet, if we do make it work, then I can say we took a chance. Either way it will be worth it. We gave love a chance. We didn't chicken out because we kept hearing we were young. Not once has anyone said this to me other than passive-aggressively. Not once has anyone said "Amelia, you and Seth are too young and immature." Why? Because we are already in a committed relationship. It takes a lot for a couple to learn to live together. We have lived together for 1.5 years. It's working so far. We know this part of our marriage will work.

But to be honest again. I don't want to feel like I am justifying it. FYI I'm not, in this post, justifying it. Rather I am blogging about my thoughts and feelings that I have when the topic comes up. Am I happy that we are working and have bee n for 2.5 years? Yes. Do I think it makes me better than anyone else? Nope. But I am happy with it. Which is really all that matters. Seth and I are happy with it and our decisions are based on what is right for us. Do I think everyone should get married young? Nope. I think you should get married when you find a guy that you can be frustrated with and still love. I think you should get married when you have committed for a while to a man (and vice versa) and you can't see your life any other way. I think when you find "the one" <-- cheesy, I know, then you know when it's right for you. And why should society or a birthdate dictate that for anyone? You're right. It shouldn't.

END OF REALLY LONG JOURNAL-LIKE BLOG INSERT.

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Oh. And UWG is irritating me about my classes. I still do not have a final schedule for the Spring and I am TICKED OFF. Oh well. Hopefully it will all work out and I will be fine with my classes (I've realized I will not be happy with them, I just want to be fine with them). That is all. :) Au revoir blogger! I'll come back with something interesting soon I promise!!!!!

November

I don't remember what the last day I posted was, but Hannah informed me yesterday that it was October 26 or 27th. :p Happy November? We had fun Friday. Nothing too "big" but just some good friends hanging out minus some of them. :/ Boo Lauren!

I know this is cliche and we all do it every year, but this year has flown by! November already?? What's happening in November. Well, the happy things: my baby brother turns 14. Thanksgiving. Jackie's birthday. The not as happy stuff: Finals and stupid stuff. Lots of papers. Stress. Jealousy.

I'm not really sure what to about some of my feelings. But I'll figure it out.

As far as an update..... Friday night was pretty awesome. :) We had fun. Only the fairly tame pics will be posted. Or, were since I'm too lazy to go and move them down. Sad, I know.

Au revoir blogger.