I think I've been going crazy!
My head is just full of all kinds of thoughts, both good, bad, and neutral.
I don't even know what it is that is bothering me or making me feel so...uncertain?

I feel like I have a ton of stuff to do. Which, in all seriousness, I do. Right now I am taking a break in between papers that are due tomorrow. I have written my Immigration Reaction Paper and am half-way through my Self-Narrative for Personality and Motivation. To be honest, I am really struggling with my self-narrative. I feel like I have no direction. The guidelines were, of course, very vague. I much prefer precision and exactness in what is expected of me. :/ Sigh.

Another thing is that I am trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. I am also trying to convince myself that I am wanted. I feel very un-wanted and unnecessary to a lot of people that I am supposedly important to in my life. I don't really want to turn this into a "woe is me" blog, but I do feel like no one really cares? I also don't feel that it's asking too much...

Oh well. The beginning of yet another week. At least it is February soon! Tuesday actually. I'm reading for this year to get rolling.

Buh.

Some interesting things were discussed today.
First of all, the idea of motherhood and the workplace.
I've read a book recently about how the old ideas of motherhood are slowly changing. SLOWLY. (A really very good book, called: this is not how I thought it would be; remodeling motherhood to get the lives we want today. It's by Kristin Maschka.)

Maschka says that basically there will be a struggle between the workplace and motherhood for some, if not most, women. I can definitely see myself falling into this category in a few years. I plan on being a mother - that is one of my biggest goals. I know it's not for everyone, but it's for me. The way I achieve this (through birth, adoption, etc) is up in the air for now, but I WILL be a mother. And I will have at least a Bachelors degree. I plan on also have my Masters in SLP.

So I have these two very different desires. To be a speech-language pathologist and to be a mother. It shouldn't be like this, but think of this. For a man, being a father and working are things that are EXPECTED. You occasionally hear "Stay at home Dad." But that is a very rare occasion.

So while I want to be mother, I worry for my ability to get a job when I am still in between. By in between I mean this: between the age of trying to conceive and by the time my children are school-age (4/5.) I don't feel lovely about daycares for young children either. Particularly not babies. I want to raise my baby; I don't want to pay thousands for someone else to do something that I truly WANT to do. But I also want to get back into the workforce. How do you do that? There is always the resume issue. Where WERE you for 6 years Mrs. M? Oh I was being a SAHM. And then I get written off when they think of my children having sick days and vacations, right? *le sigh*


Of course, we all as women have to experiment with the ideas and what we're comfortable with. What's my ultimate, perfect ideal? I'll tell you. But it probably won't happen just like this, as this is life. My ideal is this: I graduate in May 2011. Then I go to Grad school until May 2014. I get a job in the school system or a hospital for a few years, possibly while TTC. I either get pregnant or prepare for adoption proceedings. I have children around the age of 24-27. While I stay at home, I run a contracted version of SLP for specific clients to keep my hands in the business. I begin working at a school once my children are of an age to go to said school. And so on and so forth. But will that happen? Maybe not. Maybe so.

But why must it be this dilemma? I mean women still make less than men (bs) and get the job less when we are young (aka our "childbearing" years). I'm sure job turnover isn't perfect anyways. Who cares why?

What A Blog

A few housekeeping things: The Steelers won!! Stairway to Seven, boys! Going to the SuperBowl AGAIN. :D Seth and I stayed and watched the game with my family after doing Papa's 80th birthday stuff. The cake = delicious, by the way. Whipped icing is so pleasing. haha.

Papa brought a bunch of photo albums - their wedding album included. October 2, 1954. <3 This is their 56th year of marriage. I asked them about it, and it's adorable. My Papa was 23 years old; my Nanny was 20. They got married in a little church in England. <3 I do so love their story. I hope my grandkids can say that about me and Seth one day. It would be remarkable.

And now to the real blog.
This is beautiful and sums up how I feel most of the time nowadays:

I'm not where I need to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm simply kept by His grace.

To me, that speaks so clearly to my intent in life at this point. I've had a somewhat revolutionary day feelings-wise. I've been struggling with the concept of death. I know this is going to sound morbid, but yesterday was my Papa's 80th birthday, as I posted. 80 is a big deal. But in an even bigger way, my hypersensitive psyche decided to focus on the fact that 80 is so close to the end. It's a point in someone's life where, when they die, the story can begin with "they lived a long life.." I kind of think once you reach 70 you can say this, but especially at 80 or above. To further solidify this point, I've had this terrible feeling that I will soon lose my grandfather. Not that that is what I WANT, but it's just how I FEEL. I feel like he really looks his age in a way that I've never seen. Maybe my young mind just never wrapped around that, but I don't think that. I honestly think that in the past six months or so, he has started to regress. He's lost a lot of weight and has taken on that yellow palor. He's started talking in ways that imply that he thinks his life is virtually over. He's having more health issues and he and my Nanny are being very hush-hush about it. I hate being hypersensitive sometimes; I hate having these thoughts when "normal" people probably wouldn't think that because they wouldn't want to.

But this brought home the other point even more: Life is so very complicated and indefinite and is a process. Today in my Psyc class, we were discussing Anna O. (You know, Freud and Breuer). Anna O was their case study on hysteria that basically lead to talk therapy as a phenomena.

Part of our assignment today was to relate to Anna O. (If you don't follow this part, quickly google Anna O. symptoms or therapy.) So we had to pick a memory we clearly remember repressing that then manifested itself later in our lives and we had to work through. So here is mine. This is not easy to write about, even now, but I feel like I have kept this blog honest for too long to regress now. My example was very strong and was the clear choice for writing about. When I was in 3rd grade, my parents divorced. --Yesterday would have been their 23rd anniversary -- I had this "oldest child complex" and this "mothering instinct" to take care of my brothers and be strong for them; to be the rock; to be the normal thing in their lives. And so I did. And I do not regret it, even for a second. But it was something that very clearly defined my life. I repressed those feelings for as long as I could. I didn't cry nearly as often as I most cerainly would have had I been in a different mindset. I tried to go with the flow. I was the protector.

A few years later, mostly sixth grade, my manifestation appeared. I developed an OCD/Anxiety disorder called Trichotillomania. In a way, it's a self-hurt type of concept. I caused harm to myself to try and express my hurt and my feelings. I became resentful and angry and was in a very bad place. I didn't have any idea of how to cope with what was going on and literally could not tell someone WHY I did what I did at the time. Looking back, I can see where my mind was, but during the time I'm sure I was a fright to deal with. I was confused and, introvert that I am, I pulled myself even more inward. We tried all sorts of "therapeutic approaches" and finally settled on medication. So, I medicated my OCD/Anxiety for a few years. I hid it well. But all I was doing was taking care of the surface issue.

When I reached college, I became aware that this issue still hadn't resolved. I had spent several more years dealing with the trich and dealing with the surface, but hadn't fully resolved how to come to terms with my childhood. I had started to deal in high school, towards the end. I reopened some closed off parts of my life and I grew. It wasn't until studying OCD/Anxiety/Depression in my freshman year of college that I finally saw the light. I understood. I could never conquer something that was a part of myself. That's impossible. I realized that now, I have a lifelong process of dealing with this manifestation. If I can better deal with myself, I can handle that aspect now. I have been good - no medication, no therapy other than self-reflection and friends/classes. And it's been going well. But it will never be over, because now, my mind has this manifestation sort of "go to" that any anxiety triggers. BUT, I am aware of my triggers now, and can somewhat predict my issues. It's freeing.

Now that I have spilled my problems out on a blog, I don't necessarily feel better, but I like that I can come back and read this in a few years when even more layers have been removed and I have grown even more. Isn't it amazing?

Week Recap, Date Night, Bdays & Steelers!

I'm pretty sure I left off on Monday or Tuesday, before my week took off on a topsy turvy route. That's exactly what it did, too. On Tuesday night/Wednesday morning Seth had a severe toothache - to the point that we ended up in the ER at 5 am. Obviously it was bad, or we wouldn't have had that happen. :/ Unfortunately this set the tone for both of our days. We got back from the ER around 6:30 am, so got to sleep around 7 am. Wednesdays are my "busy" days. I have class solidly from 12:30 until 8:00. Needless to say, I was not myself. I was so not into the subject's being brought up, had no desire to put on my happy face, and was just ready for some damn sleep and food. :/ It was not a favorite. Seth slept a bit later than I did, but then had to go pick up his antibiotic and pain medications for his tooth - it was absessed. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it looks bad. The dentist we went to on Thursday is going to have to pull it and eventually put a bridge in. :/

But once we were past these two days, we seemed to improve in temperament and whatnot. Friday was pretty mellow. We went to Cathy Ho's! Our favorite Chinese restaurant. Of course, we got smoothies - she makes the best. He tried Mango and I got my all-time favorite: Strawberry Banana. Yummmmmmmm. Unfortunately our sleep patterns were still basically really jacked up so we took a nap after lunch and then got up for dinner. Ha! I am somewhat back to normal.... he is still asleep. lol.

Yesterday Seth had to work all day, but when he got home we had date night! I love having someone to do that with. We went and treated ourselves to a nice dinner (yay!) at Carrabba's and then went to the mall. I wanted some new candles, so we bought one called Vineyard and Pink Sands. They smell delicious! I want to post a picture of them, so I might add that later. After that we went to see Green Hornet in 3D!! Seth Rogen is so cute. haha. And of course that car was sooooo badass! Seriously!
After that it was around midnight, so we trekked back to the lovely apartment, and went so sleep shortly after.

Today is a new day - Today happens to be my grandfather's 80th birthday!! How amazing is that? To make it to 80? I am always so enchanted by ages and birthdays. 80 just sounds so established and important. We are heading down to my house for his birthday party later, and then doing dinner, and then the whole family is watching the Steelers game! GO STEELERS! I love the family camaraderie that is associated with our favorite NFL team. It's adorable. Here is a throwback -- this is less than two months after we adopted Ava. Her first SuperBowl -- which the Steelers WON!! How crazy. Must be her luck. (How stinking cute are these pictures?)

Who AM I?

So I was given the assignment to describe who I am and psychologically describe my personality. I went in a very raw, simplistic and honest direction with it. I think I'm just going to copy and paste it onto here. First, some tidbits about my day. Classes were okay. I actually do like my History professor but the PEOPLE in that class are douches. They were complaining about a 10 page paper. I laughed.

I had some graduate school problems, but hopefully all is well on that front now. If not, expect a looonnnnggggg rant about it tomorrow or the day after. It would have been funny to have posted how I was actually feeling AT THE TIME. Ha!

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It’s always interesting to me to try and answer the question: Who are you? Sometimes I feel like I can answer adequately and sometimes I feel like there are so many possibilities that I could never begin to answer it. I also think that both would be completely and honestly true.

As far as basics, I am Amelia Daniel. I am a Senior Psychology major that is excited and yet anxious about graduating in May. I am someone who is incredibly nervous about getting into Graduate School to attempt to become a Speech-Language Pathologist and work with people with communication disorders. I am an organized, but messy person. I organize for school, but my kitchen is always in transition. I like to have a plan, but am okay going off the grid.

I am someone that loves those closest to me, all in different ways. I am the oldest sibling of four, playing the role of “oldest sibling” almost to a tee. I am now the doting older sister to my six-year-old adopted sister Ava, and feel that she truly completed our family. I feel cheesy a lot. I am a child of divorce and reconstruction. I am a dog-lover, and overall animal-lover, and have two hyperactive puppies of my own. I am a future mother that often gets “baby fever” and must be talked down by my patient boyfriend of three years. I know, in my heart, that I will be as good of a mother as I can be. I have infertility issues that have recently come to light – PCOS has really challenged me to reconstruct my idea of motherhood. I may or may not have biological children, but I already love my future kids.

I am an observer, and I have learned many of my lessons from observing others. I am impatient in many things, but know how to wait. I am quick-witted, but not sharp. I am quiet, but I hope it is not mistaken for being shy. I am not shy. I am intelligent, in some ways, and clueless in others. I am an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan (Go Steelers!), but I really just love the game. I am a former athlete who now enjoys kickboxing for relaxation and stress-release purposes. I am a Coke addict – liquid, not the drug.

I am complex and simple, to myself and others. I also feel that you never truly have yourself figured out. The idea is something that I hope will fascinate me for all of my life. I am flawed and imperfect. My favorite concept is to be “perfectly imperfect.”

On that note, I enjoy quotes and song lyrics. I feel a passion for music, but have never had a strong desire to produce it myself. I took piano lessons when I was around the age of ten and I was terrible at it. I obviously admit my flaws fairly easily, but I don’t take criticism well, unless I ask for it.

My Keirsey temperament type is “INFJ.” Introversion, Intuition, Feeling and Judging; these are things that I feel accurately describe me in a way I could never do on my own. Introverted, I can definitely agree with whole-heartedly. I am introverted unless I am in a group I am comfortable with. This sometimes happens easily and other times I need more coaxing. I have a select group of friends; two best friends, Hannah and Seth. Seth is my boyfriend who I have a feeling will one day be my husband. Hannah is a kindred spirit and we connected as friends on the day that we met. It almost makes me believe in fate, in a cheesy sort of way.

I tend to be everyone’s confidante, but am lucky enough to have my own as well. I sometimes feel that I am hyper-sensitive to others, and sometimes I feel like I am choosing to ignore it for my own sake. I would say that due to my introspective personality, I come off as caring and probably complex. When I was younger, I never understood why I ended up always being the friend people could talk to. Now I realize that it’s just part of who I am.

I am not sure if it is accurate, but if it is; my personality type makes up approximately 1% of the population. I find the concept interesting, because I do sometimes feel like others do not experience things on the level that I do. I think that that is an accurate snapshot of who I am, but is nowhere near to all of it. J

Steelers, School & Dresses

What a past couple of days. Pretty boring EXCEPT the Steelers have advanced to the AFC Division playoffs!!! They beat the Baltimore Ravens 31-24 for the chance to play the New York Jets and get to the Superbowl - AGAIN! *Fingers Crossed*

The Jets beat the Patriots today though, meaning they are pretty good. haha. We'll see how next week goes, but of course: GO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, just so I can remember this when I read back over this, the Falcons lost last night to the Packers. The Packers were 6th seed and the Falcons were 1st seed in the NFC. It was kind of bizarre. I'm pretty sure they were "supposed" to win? So now, with the Falcons (number one in NFC) and the Patriots (number on in AFC) out...it looks like the SuperBowl will be teams with less than perfect regular season records. I think the best one is the Steelers, but I'm not sure about the Bears.

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Today, we went grocery shopping, yay! And of course went to eat. We went to McDonalds (we being me, Seth & Hannah) And I literally spent $1.27 on a double cheeseburger, medium fry and medium drink. YES!!! YAY FOR COUPONS!!! hahaha.

After that, Seth and I came back and did some much needed cleaning in our bedroom and bathroom. Now it's pretty frickin' awesome except for some rugs that need to be washed in the bathroom and we want to wash the dog beds soon. After we bathe the dogs...also soon. haha.

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So we start back to school finally on Tuesday. Tomorrow we are out for MLK, Jr Day. I got my book in, too, so Dr. Dillon can stop giving me bad grades for not having my book. JERK. That really irritates me. I couldn't help the SNOW/ICE STORM that kept my books from arriving. Luckily it only affected one assignment, but I was worried it would affect this coming up week. Thank goodness I got it in the mail yesterday!! Btw, I think I'm going to dislike this class. It's really stupid and pointless. I get that we're supposed to use it to "prepare for after we graduate," but okay. On the syllabus, is to write a resume, research graduate programs, apply to graduate programs, write a cover letter and learn about the GRE. Of course, that's not ALL, but I've done those things!! I have already turned in all of my graduate school applications. I've already taken the GRE obviously since my apps are done. I have a resume. I know how to write a cover letter. Why in the heck?? lol. Also, the assignment we did the other day was to pick out of the possible career paths and pick what we want to do. Mine WASN'T ON THERE. It pissed me off. So I improvised. I did the assignment, but I did extra, by adding in what I needed for my actual career as well. ;) haha.

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Anyways, I'm not sure what else to put. OH! Friday we went dress shopping! Mom texted me on Thursday and let me know there was a sale on bridal gowns at David's Bridal this weekend. We figured, hey, let's at least go look at see what they have! So we went and it was wonderful. The saleslady was very attentive and knew what I was looking for. The second dress I tried on is quite possibly, "the one." We decided that if we can't beat it (which I kind of doubt!) We will go back and get it later. It's perfect. It's so "me."

So today. I'm not entirely sure where to start. The last update was about our snow/ice. Basically they closed the schools until NEXT Tuesday since we have MLK day off. This is NUTS! Unfortunately, my crappy professor decided to keep assigning things. It's pretty ridiculous since OUR BOOKS AREN'T DELIVERED YET. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I will just have to have bad grades for the first few assignments thanks to this jerk. Oh well, it's a stupid class.

Yesterday, Hannah, Seth and I had a really funny day/night. :) Not gonna go into detail but I will say this: "I just want a cheeseburger and a __________!?" haha.

Today has been calm. The puppies were acting bad this morning. :/ I wish that would stop. Mainly I wish the cause behind that would stop being that cause. Um, yeah. So now I just got out of the shower. Going to wash my hair and whatnot in a few. Yeah, this is a pretty uninteresting update but I figure I'd go ahead and do it. Maybe this weekend will be more interesting!! :)

Snow Week 2011

So here we go, this one should be interesting! ;) Starting on Sunday night, January 9, 2011, snow and sleet were falling across Georgia. We were getting back from dinner when the ice balls starting falling. By the time we were back, settled and ready for the "Snowpocalypse" there was a thin sheet of snow on the ground.

By the time we woke up Monday morning, there was like 4 inches of snow and a layer of ice ALL OVER the place! The picture above doesn't even do justice to how crazy it was. The iced layer was so hard that Chevy didn't always break the surface when he was walking carefully. He's 30 pounds! Mom said that Ava didn't break it either. Lucy did. She's my big guh. ;)

The worst part though was the ice all over the roads. When we stepped on it, it was like walking over a lake of thin ice. You could see the water moving under the solid sheet of ice under your feet. It was quite strange. It melted for the most part today, but they are saying it's going to re-freeze tonight, so we'll be back to square one. Two, rather.

So apparently this is the worst snow/ice storm in Georgia since 1993. Schools all across Georgia were shut down. We have been out Monday, Tuesday and I've heard we are out again tomorrow, Wednesday. It's a little insane! But I'm certainly not complaining. I wasn't really into going back to school yet anyways. Two days was enough.

Now we'll see if we have class on Thursday. If not, this has become a Snow WEEK instead of just a Snow DAY! hahaha. Pretty awesome. It is a little weird being "trapped" in the apartment. Luckily we had gone grocery shopping. Warm soup really hits the spot after you go play in the snow/ice for an hour. What an interesting week in weather we are having. Enjoy the pictures above. :p

School Update

So I have now officially been to all of my final classes. :) Let's do the run-down. Social Psyc is going to be pretty good. Not the easiest, nor the hardest of my classes, and the teacher seems really funny and goofy. I think I'll probably like it. Psyc of Immigration will probably be alright. The teacher seems really passionate about the subject and the coursework doesn't seem to be too terribly difficult. Personality & Motivation (taught by my advisor! haha) I think will be pretty good. It will probably be one of, if not my MOST, difficult class. It's a 4 hour credit though, so that contributes as well. Lots of time will be spent on that one. Sports Psychology seems AWESOME! It isn't really what it sounds like it will be. Sports are involved, but it's mostly about personal motivation and drive, as well as success. Former Tampa Bay lineman DeMarcus Curry is coming to talk to our class though - because he is now a youth counselor! Tie-in. Those were my Wednesday classes btw. I have the first three on Mondays as well. My Tuesday/Thursdays that I went to today seem pretty good too. The Senior Seminar (for Psyc majors) seems like it's going to be really helpful and useful. I'm looking forward to it. :) And then I have US History. I saved it for my senior year so it would make my schedule easier to make - and it WORKED. haha. It's going to be so easy and perfect for the load I have. The teacher seems nice, and seems to like what he does.

Overall, my impression is that as long as I do what I'm supposed to do as per the syllabi, I will make A's or at least B's. :D I'd love to get all A's for my final semester. :D And in my hardest one, to boot! Since I'm taking 19 hours = SIX classes. But as of now, I'm not overwhelmed. I'm a bit nervous and apprehensive, but nothing I can't handle.

OH! Other good news! All is set for graduation. May 7 will be the official end to my Undergrad. 121 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to say that the people that snicker and complain about classes really irritate me. It's the first damn day. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?! This girl was complaining about having to write two whole papers for history. I would like to point out that they are SHORT AS HELL. One is three pages and the other is 3-5. I was ELATED at their length! haha. I'm used to 10+. I don't get how this girl is supposed to make it through college if she bitches and moans about like 6-8 total pages for a class. She was a freshman, obviously. I was like wow. Don't get your degree then, because your major classes are going to kick your annoying butt. END RANT. :)

New Years 2011

Happy New Year!!
As the photo above obviously illustrates, we had a small New Years party at our apartment. :) Shane, Heather, Lauren, David, Hannah, Danny, Me & Seth. We had a lot of fun, for the most part. A few drinks here and there, guitar hero, poker (with funny money sacks!) and of course the ball dropping and whatnot. :) Good company, mostly.

The point though, of this post, happens to be that New Years is one of my favorite "holidays." I kind of want to explain why. New Years is my favorite because I'm in love with new beginnings, chapters and order. I love the "fresh-ness." And the anticipation. A New YEAR, A New Challenge, A New Goal, A New Optimism, A New Aproach, A New Mission, A New Resolution. I don't so much believe in "resolutions," but I do believe in optimism. I believe in learning from the past year and being able to qualify it as a learning experience and looking forward to the new year for the learning experiences and the happiness.

I wouldn't call myself an optimist as much as I'd call myself a realist. I look at both the past and future years as what they are and were to me, and I appreciate that. I'm not going to pretend 2011 is going to be all puppies and rainbows and flower petals, but I'm going to understand that it will be something worth experiencing. There will be many good things to happen this year, and I've got to admit, 2010 wasn't all that interesting. I have many things to look forward to, but I don't want to put them on a pedestal and be disappointed when graduation isn't all that exciting or when my 21st birthday isn't the greatest birthday ever or whatever it is that happens. But it will be an experience. A quantifiable experience that I need to have. I'm interested to see how it all will play out, see what surprises good or bad are in store for me this year. Things can change. And they will.

If I come back and am reading this in a year, I want to remember how much I was looking forward to the things that are coming. I want to remember that I was somewhat content, though not perfectly so. I had applied to graduate schools but had heard nothing back. I was counting down the days until graduation and my birthday. The puppies were healthy - Lucy weighs 49 lbs and Chevy weighs 29 lbs. The cost of their shots and exams shocked me - next year, be prepared for that! ;) We lived in our apartment we've been in for over a year, but we realllly want and need a yard. Rent or buy, we both want a house soon. Maybe by the end of this year. I'm not married or even engaged, but that may come later this year. :) My grandfather's 80th birthday is in 19 days and I feel like that is a hugely awesome milestone. I'm not thrilled with my appearance (weight) but I am loving growing my hair out! As much of a p.i.t.a. it can be to dry. My bfffff is Hannah Epps and my bffffboyfriend is Seth Massey. :p I feel old because my babies (brothers and sister) are going to reach some "old" sounding ages this year! 17, 7, 15. What in the heck!! That is how I want to remember this day, right now.


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We start back to school tomorrow. I'm excited, in a way, but mostly I wanted a few days to sleep in before going back. Oh well. That's life I suppose. I have four classes tomorrow - ugh!

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Here are some pictures from New Years 2011! Dinner at Osaka, the rest at the apartment.