Minor Freak-Out

Hallelujah the week is over! For me, anyways.

It's not exactly been an interesting week. I've been stuffy/sick/yucky feeling. It IS February already, which still feels a little nuts, but I am THAT MUCH CLOSER to all of the lovely things that happen to come later in this year. I kind of want to talk about those things right now because I am a very future-oriented person and just wanna? :p I can't WAIT to find out about Graduate School.

I keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm not going to get in, which makes me sort of panic, but really? Not the worst thing that could happen. I know what I would do if I don't get in: I'd get a job (money!!!!$$$), plan my wedding, and re-take my GREs after studying majorly for them. I studied last time, but if I were to have to re-take them for re-applying next year, I'd have more time to devote to studying as I wouldn't be in school. I'm sure I could get them up a few points.

I'd also know the no-nos of the Grad school application process that I did NOT know when I actually applied. So I'm pretty confident I could get in if I had another chance and didn't happen to make the cut this time around. Besides, I'd love to have a job and an income. I want to have at least a part-time field-related job when I graduate anyways and keep it through Grad school, if possible.

Writing this has made me freak out less; knowing that there are positives and negatives to both possibilities. Negatives of not getting in now? I'd have a kind of awkward year. And it'd be a year later that I got my degree. But hey. I wouldn't exactly be old. (25)

On that note............... I have nothing else to write right now. Au revoir?

Whirlwind Week

This week has been a whirlwind at the same time that it has technically uneventful. Weird? Yes.

Let's start out with the fact that it's now February! I'm so glad. Getting closer and closer to the things I'm looking forward to this year. I know that sounds strange and "not living in the moment" but I have come to terms with the fact that I live a lot through my future. It's just a personality trait; one that I am learning to own. I know there are all sorts of quotes "live for the day" but to be honest, a lot of times my day is not interesting or challenging enough for my mind that never shuts off. It can be majorly overwhelming and make me feel like I'm highly misunderstood.


I think I have blogged about this before, the fact that my brain doesn't willingly shut off? Ever? lol. Seth and I have talked about this before because he has the ability to LITERALLY not be thinking about anything. At all. Seriously, nothing. For a long time I didn't even BELIEVE him because I had no idea that was even possible. (LOL) My brain is constantly going. Whether it is technical stuff, school-related stuff, theories, plans, hopes, dreams, thoughts. SOMETHING is always going on. And seriously, even when I'm sleeping. Because we all dream, every night, even if we don't remember. :) Thanks Dr. Kunkel for that tidbit.

This concept is really entertaining to me at present - I think it is why I am so easily stressed and anxious. Because I don't have an "off" switch. I can CHANGE what I'm thinking about, but I can't not think. I just can't. When I try to...I get distracted. haha. This idea is sort of a new exploration for me, but I'm thinking that to embrace this fact of myself I need to be more honest about it. I literally am always thinking. I think that's why I love the 'Bee. It offers new and different questions and circumstances for me to contemplate and sometimes offer advice on. I LOVE to feel useful. When someone says "THANKS that's a great idea" it's a huge compliment to my ever-so-dainty ego. (Or should I say....Id? Superego?)

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Break: Of course I couldn't focus on that for too long; I got distracted by my thoughts. I wanted to start being more literal, so guess what? Since it's my blog I think I'll do just that. haha. This week has FLOWN by and I am honestly so glad. I don't love school right now - it's dry and pretty boring for the most part. I like a couple of my classes, a couple of my professors, and only one of those overlaps. haha. I am also bored. I'm bored with my routine. College is getting old. Grad School (eek!) better be a much different routine. And please God, can I have a JOB that pays WELL in Grad School? I'd love that. More to do and not so much selfishness! Because my inner thoughts are inadvertently very selfish...Adurrrrr.... Our favorite subjects are ourselves. :)

I think that's all I have to say right now?

Here's something pretty to look at:

I think I've been going crazy!
My head is just full of all kinds of thoughts, both good, bad, and neutral.
I don't even know what it is that is bothering me or making me feel so...uncertain?

I feel like I have a ton of stuff to do. Which, in all seriousness, I do. Right now I am taking a break in between papers that are due tomorrow. I have written my Immigration Reaction Paper and am half-way through my Self-Narrative for Personality and Motivation. To be honest, I am really struggling with my self-narrative. I feel like I have no direction. The guidelines were, of course, very vague. I much prefer precision and exactness in what is expected of me. :/ Sigh.

Another thing is that I am trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. I am also trying to convince myself that I am wanted. I feel very un-wanted and unnecessary to a lot of people that I am supposedly important to in my life. I don't really want to turn this into a "woe is me" blog, but I do feel like no one really cares? I also don't feel that it's asking too much...

Oh well. The beginning of yet another week. At least it is February soon! Tuesday actually. I'm reading for this year to get rolling.

Buh.

Some interesting things were discussed today.
First of all, the idea of motherhood and the workplace.
I've read a book recently about how the old ideas of motherhood are slowly changing. SLOWLY. (A really very good book, called: this is not how I thought it would be; remodeling motherhood to get the lives we want today. It's by Kristin Maschka.)

Maschka says that basically there will be a struggle between the workplace and motherhood for some, if not most, women. I can definitely see myself falling into this category in a few years. I plan on being a mother - that is one of my biggest goals. I know it's not for everyone, but it's for me. The way I achieve this (through birth, adoption, etc) is up in the air for now, but I WILL be a mother. And I will have at least a Bachelors degree. I plan on also have my Masters in SLP.

So I have these two very different desires. To be a speech-language pathologist and to be a mother. It shouldn't be like this, but think of this. For a man, being a father and working are things that are EXPECTED. You occasionally hear "Stay at home Dad." But that is a very rare occasion.

So while I want to be mother, I worry for my ability to get a job when I am still in between. By in between I mean this: between the age of trying to conceive and by the time my children are school-age (4/5.) I don't feel lovely about daycares for young children either. Particularly not babies. I want to raise my baby; I don't want to pay thousands for someone else to do something that I truly WANT to do. But I also want to get back into the workforce. How do you do that? There is always the resume issue. Where WERE you for 6 years Mrs. M? Oh I was being a SAHM. And then I get written off when they think of my children having sick days and vacations, right? *le sigh*


Of course, we all as women have to experiment with the ideas and what we're comfortable with. What's my ultimate, perfect ideal? I'll tell you. But it probably won't happen just like this, as this is life. My ideal is this: I graduate in May 2011. Then I go to Grad school until May 2014. I get a job in the school system or a hospital for a few years, possibly while TTC. I either get pregnant or prepare for adoption proceedings. I have children around the age of 24-27. While I stay at home, I run a contracted version of SLP for specific clients to keep my hands in the business. I begin working at a school once my children are of an age to go to said school. And so on and so forth. But will that happen? Maybe not. Maybe so.

But why must it be this dilemma? I mean women still make less than men (bs) and get the job less when we are young (aka our "childbearing" years). I'm sure job turnover isn't perfect anyways. Who cares why?

What A Blog

A few housekeeping things: The Steelers won!! Stairway to Seven, boys! Going to the SuperBowl AGAIN. :D Seth and I stayed and watched the game with my family after doing Papa's 80th birthday stuff. The cake = delicious, by the way. Whipped icing is so pleasing. haha.

Papa brought a bunch of photo albums - their wedding album included. October 2, 1954. <3 This is their 56th year of marriage. I asked them about it, and it's adorable. My Papa was 23 years old; my Nanny was 20. They got married in a little church in England. <3 I do so love their story. I hope my grandkids can say that about me and Seth one day. It would be remarkable.

And now to the real blog.
This is beautiful and sums up how I feel most of the time nowadays:

I'm not where I need to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm simply kept by His grace.

To me, that speaks so clearly to my intent in life at this point. I've had a somewhat revolutionary day feelings-wise. I've been struggling with the concept of death. I know this is going to sound morbid, but yesterday was my Papa's 80th birthday, as I posted. 80 is a big deal. But in an even bigger way, my hypersensitive psyche decided to focus on the fact that 80 is so close to the end. It's a point in someone's life where, when they die, the story can begin with "they lived a long life.." I kind of think once you reach 70 you can say this, but especially at 80 or above. To further solidify this point, I've had this terrible feeling that I will soon lose my grandfather. Not that that is what I WANT, but it's just how I FEEL. I feel like he really looks his age in a way that I've never seen. Maybe my young mind just never wrapped around that, but I don't think that. I honestly think that in the past six months or so, he has started to regress. He's lost a lot of weight and has taken on that yellow palor. He's started talking in ways that imply that he thinks his life is virtually over. He's having more health issues and he and my Nanny are being very hush-hush about it. I hate being hypersensitive sometimes; I hate having these thoughts when "normal" people probably wouldn't think that because they wouldn't want to.

But this brought home the other point even more: Life is so very complicated and indefinite and is a process. Today in my Psyc class, we were discussing Anna O. (You know, Freud and Breuer). Anna O was their case study on hysteria that basically lead to talk therapy as a phenomena.

Part of our assignment today was to relate to Anna O. (If you don't follow this part, quickly google Anna O. symptoms or therapy.) So we had to pick a memory we clearly remember repressing that then manifested itself later in our lives and we had to work through. So here is mine. This is not easy to write about, even now, but I feel like I have kept this blog honest for too long to regress now. My example was very strong and was the clear choice for writing about. When I was in 3rd grade, my parents divorced. --Yesterday would have been their 23rd anniversary -- I had this "oldest child complex" and this "mothering instinct" to take care of my brothers and be strong for them; to be the rock; to be the normal thing in their lives. And so I did. And I do not regret it, even for a second. But it was something that very clearly defined my life. I repressed those feelings for as long as I could. I didn't cry nearly as often as I most cerainly would have had I been in a different mindset. I tried to go with the flow. I was the protector.

A few years later, mostly sixth grade, my manifestation appeared. I developed an OCD/Anxiety disorder called Trichotillomania. In a way, it's a self-hurt type of concept. I caused harm to myself to try and express my hurt and my feelings. I became resentful and angry and was in a very bad place. I didn't have any idea of how to cope with what was going on and literally could not tell someone WHY I did what I did at the time. Looking back, I can see where my mind was, but during the time I'm sure I was a fright to deal with. I was confused and, introvert that I am, I pulled myself even more inward. We tried all sorts of "therapeutic approaches" and finally settled on medication. So, I medicated my OCD/Anxiety for a few years. I hid it well. But all I was doing was taking care of the surface issue.

When I reached college, I became aware that this issue still hadn't resolved. I had spent several more years dealing with the trich and dealing with the surface, but hadn't fully resolved how to come to terms with my childhood. I had started to deal in high school, towards the end. I reopened some closed off parts of my life and I grew. It wasn't until studying OCD/Anxiety/Depression in my freshman year of college that I finally saw the light. I understood. I could never conquer something that was a part of myself. That's impossible. I realized that now, I have a lifelong process of dealing with this manifestation. If I can better deal with myself, I can handle that aspect now. I have been good - no medication, no therapy other than self-reflection and friends/classes. And it's been going well. But it will never be over, because now, my mind has this manifestation sort of "go to" that any anxiety triggers. BUT, I am aware of my triggers now, and can somewhat predict my issues. It's freeing.

Now that I have spilled my problems out on a blog, I don't necessarily feel better, but I like that I can come back and read this in a few years when even more layers have been removed and I have grown even more. Isn't it amazing?

Week Recap, Date Night, Bdays & Steelers!

I'm pretty sure I left off on Monday or Tuesday, before my week took off on a topsy turvy route. That's exactly what it did, too. On Tuesday night/Wednesday morning Seth had a severe toothache - to the point that we ended up in the ER at 5 am. Obviously it was bad, or we wouldn't have had that happen. :/ Unfortunately this set the tone for both of our days. We got back from the ER around 6:30 am, so got to sleep around 7 am. Wednesdays are my "busy" days. I have class solidly from 12:30 until 8:00. Needless to say, I was not myself. I was so not into the subject's being brought up, had no desire to put on my happy face, and was just ready for some damn sleep and food. :/ It was not a favorite. Seth slept a bit later than I did, but then had to go pick up his antibiotic and pain medications for his tooth - it was absessed. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it looks bad. The dentist we went to on Thursday is going to have to pull it and eventually put a bridge in. :/

But once we were past these two days, we seemed to improve in temperament and whatnot. Friday was pretty mellow. We went to Cathy Ho's! Our favorite Chinese restaurant. Of course, we got smoothies - she makes the best. He tried Mango and I got my all-time favorite: Strawberry Banana. Yummmmmmmm. Unfortunately our sleep patterns were still basically really jacked up so we took a nap after lunch and then got up for dinner. Ha! I am somewhat back to normal.... he is still asleep. lol.

Yesterday Seth had to work all day, but when he got home we had date night! I love having someone to do that with. We went and treated ourselves to a nice dinner (yay!) at Carrabba's and then went to the mall. I wanted some new candles, so we bought one called Vineyard and Pink Sands. They smell delicious! I want to post a picture of them, so I might add that later. After that we went to see Green Hornet in 3D!! Seth Rogen is so cute. haha. And of course that car was sooooo badass! Seriously!
After that it was around midnight, so we trekked back to the lovely apartment, and went so sleep shortly after.

Today is a new day - Today happens to be my grandfather's 80th birthday!! How amazing is that? To make it to 80? I am always so enchanted by ages and birthdays. 80 just sounds so established and important. We are heading down to my house for his birthday party later, and then doing dinner, and then the whole family is watching the Steelers game! GO STEELERS! I love the family camaraderie that is associated with our favorite NFL team. It's adorable. Here is a throwback -- this is less than two months after we adopted Ava. Her first SuperBowl -- which the Steelers WON!! How crazy. Must be her luck. (How stinking cute are these pictures?)

Who AM I?

So I was given the assignment to describe who I am and psychologically describe my personality. I went in a very raw, simplistic and honest direction with it. I think I'm just going to copy and paste it onto here. First, some tidbits about my day. Classes were okay. I actually do like my History professor but the PEOPLE in that class are douches. They were complaining about a 10 page paper. I laughed.

I had some graduate school problems, but hopefully all is well on that front now. If not, expect a looonnnnggggg rant about it tomorrow or the day after. It would have been funny to have posted how I was actually feeling AT THE TIME. Ha!

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It’s always interesting to me to try and answer the question: Who are you? Sometimes I feel like I can answer adequately and sometimes I feel like there are so many possibilities that I could never begin to answer it. I also think that both would be completely and honestly true.

As far as basics, I am Amelia Daniel. I am a Senior Psychology major that is excited and yet anxious about graduating in May. I am someone who is incredibly nervous about getting into Graduate School to attempt to become a Speech-Language Pathologist and work with people with communication disorders. I am an organized, but messy person. I organize for school, but my kitchen is always in transition. I like to have a plan, but am okay going off the grid.

I am someone that loves those closest to me, all in different ways. I am the oldest sibling of four, playing the role of “oldest sibling” almost to a tee. I am now the doting older sister to my six-year-old adopted sister Ava, and feel that she truly completed our family. I feel cheesy a lot. I am a child of divorce and reconstruction. I am a dog-lover, and overall animal-lover, and have two hyperactive puppies of my own. I am a future mother that often gets “baby fever” and must be talked down by my patient boyfriend of three years. I know, in my heart, that I will be as good of a mother as I can be. I have infertility issues that have recently come to light – PCOS has really challenged me to reconstruct my idea of motherhood. I may or may not have biological children, but I already love my future kids.

I am an observer, and I have learned many of my lessons from observing others. I am impatient in many things, but know how to wait. I am quick-witted, but not sharp. I am quiet, but I hope it is not mistaken for being shy. I am not shy. I am intelligent, in some ways, and clueless in others. I am an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan (Go Steelers!), but I really just love the game. I am a former athlete who now enjoys kickboxing for relaxation and stress-release purposes. I am a Coke addict – liquid, not the drug.

I am complex and simple, to myself and others. I also feel that you never truly have yourself figured out. The idea is something that I hope will fascinate me for all of my life. I am flawed and imperfect. My favorite concept is to be “perfectly imperfect.”

On that note, I enjoy quotes and song lyrics. I feel a passion for music, but have never had a strong desire to produce it myself. I took piano lessons when I was around the age of ten and I was terrible at it. I obviously admit my flaws fairly easily, but I don’t take criticism well, unless I ask for it.

My Keirsey temperament type is “INFJ.” Introversion, Intuition, Feeling and Judging; these are things that I feel accurately describe me in a way I could never do on my own. Introverted, I can definitely agree with whole-heartedly. I am introverted unless I am in a group I am comfortable with. This sometimes happens easily and other times I need more coaxing. I have a select group of friends; two best friends, Hannah and Seth. Seth is my boyfriend who I have a feeling will one day be my husband. Hannah is a kindred spirit and we connected as friends on the day that we met. It almost makes me believe in fate, in a cheesy sort of way.

I tend to be everyone’s confidante, but am lucky enough to have my own as well. I sometimes feel that I am hyper-sensitive to others, and sometimes I feel like I am choosing to ignore it for my own sake. I would say that due to my introspective personality, I come off as caring and probably complex. When I was younger, I never understood why I ended up always being the friend people could talk to. Now I realize that it’s just part of who I am.

I am not sure if it is accurate, but if it is; my personality type makes up approximately 1% of the population. I find the concept interesting, because I do sometimes feel like others do not experience things on the level that I do. I think that that is an accurate snapshot of who I am, but is nowhere near to all of it. J