Sorry for the melodrama!

After the post I wrote last night detailing my insanity....er, my thoughts...I spent the day basically feeling sorry for myself. That's never a good thing to do and I disliked it, but it was tough to pull myself out of it. In an attempt to pull myself out of it, I started reading other blogs that are similar (or in lots of cases, even worse) and cried and cried. I know...

I have this issue that it just kind of dawned on me to put into words. I cannot cry for myself. It isn't that I cannot, it's that I mostly choose not to. I always have, since I was little. I would cry because my brothers were hurting or because my mom was hurting, but I rarely let myself cry for me. Maybe because I had a few very traumatic events that kind of  haunt me that include me crying. I'm not saying I don't cry for myself at all, I'm sure I did quite a lot, but as I've gotten older I do it less and less. Sometimes I'll cry out of frustration, anger, or grief...but not just to release my OWN sadness. I cried more seeing my brothers cry (heartwrenching) after my Papa passed, or seeing my mother cry (never happens...maybe it's where I get it from) but...I don't know. I've channeled my feelings into other things. I've always known I do this as I sometimes get to a point where I "need" to cry, so I'll watch a sad movie or read a sad book...or like today, I read sad blogs. I wouldn't just cry because I am frustrated or cry because of the grief process (right words?) that the infertility process induces. Man, I need therapy.

I think I've finally pulled myself out of it, and even if it took me until 2 am to get out of it, that's okay. I'm glad I stayed up late enough for it to work though! I didn't want another day of THAT feeling. So I looked at wedding pictures, and edited a few of them just to capture our expressions, and it reminded me how damn LUCKY I am to have a man look at me like this:

 Screw being sad, at least for now. I love him and he loves me and it will all work out in the end.

Late Night (Early Morning) Ramblings

I am really getting terrible at updating this thing, but occasionally when I'm having an introspective moment I remember it. Obviously I'm having one of those right now. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want to change about it...as well as how I REALLY feel about some things. I sometimes try to "logic" myself out of certain things and try and convince myself that the logical thing is what I really want...When I should know by now that my emotions rule my decisions for the most part.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I am extremely blessed and lucky in many ways and for good reason...the logic. But I still can't help but feel that I'm "missing" something, and I am fairly certain I (slash We) know what that is... I don't think I've admitted this aloud yet, but I *really* do want babies. I'm scared of the uncertainty, I'm scared of the money, I'm scared that we'll think we were too young one day...but every time AF comes along (which is rarely, but still) every time I get a little sad/depressed. [You know, like today.] Like my body has failed me once again. I know it's going to be difficult to get pregnant for us since I have basically a 70+ day cycle (I forgot the actual number, but basically every 2-3 months). I understand that on a cognitive level, but on an emotional level it's still sad. Logically, should I want kids when we are only 22 & 24? Maybe not. It doesn't sound all that young anymore compared to, say, 15 or 16. But it also doesn't sound like 35. But that is neither here nor there...

I really should ignore all things kid-related on Pinterest, maybe that would help, haha. But I really can't. I want to decorate a nursery and I want to do cute little activities and create sweet little memories and shape a little child into a (hopefully!) amazing adult. I'm ready for that emotionally. From what I have gained talking to some friends, the fears I *do* have are rational and almost everyone experiences them. The quote,"If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them" came up a lot in conversations. It's true. And we could make it if we had one. Maybe I'd have to be a better coupon clipper and we'd have to be more responsible financially, but we *could* make it. Would I probably panic about the money aspect at times? Duh, I do that anyway.

I know this blog is so "stream of consciousness" and just me rambling, but I had to get it out there and I know Seth is sick of me bringing it up. He's so black and white about things, he's like, "I'm ready for kids. You've wanted kids forever. We're married now and we have jobs, a house, vehicles, and love." -- Paraphrased, but that's the jist of what he says. I feel so silly that I'm even bothering to write this, because there isn't anything I can do about it at the moment... *TMI ALERT* It isn't as if we've been using protection for several months now. I mean, there is nothing more (at this stage) to do as far as trying to conceive other than moving along to another step, like talking to my OB/GYN again... they said you normally have to try for a year before there would be any interventions anyway. Well, so far...for all intents and purposes we'll say 4.5 months (even though we know good and well it's been longer, but we've been married for 4.5 months and that is a concrete starting point in my mind.) I logically know that it'll take longer for that to happen. Really, I do. But I'm scared to admit that we're "Trying to conceive" because then...the potential to fail is even greater sounding. Is that ridiculous? Probably. But with the odds stacked against my body I am just having a hard time emotionally admitting that it isn't working. I'm having a hard time thinking the thought, "We've had no luck." I'm having a really hard time processing this even though I KNEW it was coming. As soon as I knew I had PCOS/Endometriosis I KNEW it was coming...but reality and how you really end up feeling cannot be planned for.

*sigh*

That's all for now...

Donated Our Hair!

As a lot of you know, I have been growing my hair out for ages. Originally it was for the wedding but I *knew* I wouldn't be able to grow it out that long for just one day. So I decided after it was long enough, I would donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (I just like their philosophy better than Locks of Love, personal preference.)

Anyway, it took 4 months post-wedding to get my hair to the length I wanted to donate it. Also, Will has been growing his out and Ava's hair was really long. Will's isn't quite long enough - plus he likes his long hair, so he'll be waiting a few more months. But Ava decided to do it too!

I think hers makes her look so grown up! I love it. :)

I have no idea what to title this.

I don't even know where to start, honestly. And I don't mean that in some melodramatic "my life is so crazy" kind of way, because honestly I've been a bit bored with my life lately with some random excitement thrown in. So, I guess the appropriate title of this little update would be "my random excitement." Lame.

But here it is anyway.

On Tuesday Seth & I went and watched Ava for the day. We tried to keep her entertained as much as possible considering I have a sprained wrist and Seth's feet have been acting funny lately. Speaking of which, here's this:

Chevy is such a sweetie. <3 

It's starting to feel a little bit better considering it's been over a week. So that's good? I don't know. The cast thing is getting to that stage where I need to figure out how to wash it though. Sorry, TMI?

Anyways, here is the Tuesday update:

We flew kites.

Seth attempted to teach Ava how to play cornhole.

This one just cracks me up because of her hair. :)

We hung out outside and we both complained about how our hair was too long. Sisters. Lol

And we took her to the pool for an hour and a half. 

It was quite an eventful day to be honest. Lots going on. Seth and I were both tired after the day...and realized for the millionth time that we aren't ready to have kids and have the whole world revolve around a little person. Could we adapt to it? Sure, duh, and we'd love it. But we don't want it just yet.

Hmm, Wednesday was fairly uneventul though Jackie came over for several hours and we had girl chat time until Seth came home and insisted we draw and color. LOL. Yes, my husband.

Now Thursday was FUN. Why? Because Jackie and I (and millions of women everywhere) have been waiting and waiting for Magic Mike to come out for ages! As soon as we all figured out what the heck it was we were sold. No further explanation needed.

What is Magic Mike, you may ask? It's only one of the best woman-focused movies of the decade. haha. Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriquez, Alex Pettyfer....... Are you drooling yet? You should be. BUT in case you aren't, here are two of my favorite promo pictures:

This is Joe Manganiello (yes, Alcide from True Blood) and he is hot as hell.

Stolen from Kelli because it's scrumptious.

Anyway, how this movie relates to my life is that Jackie and I decided to go see the midnight release of it a long time ago. :) haha. So we invited others to tag along. :) So me, Jackie, Jill, Tina, Will & Zach all went to see Magic Mike and 12:01 am on Thursday night. haha. Btw, yes. Jill is Jackie's mom and Tina is my mom! They're cool like that. And yes, it was rated R for a reason. *blush*

My "review" of it could be that Channing Tatum did a good job, as always, BUT I would have loved more Joe Manganiello and Matt Bomer parts. Matthew McConaughey's character was a huge douche, so I'm okay with just seeing him sometimes. Lol. The girl lead (I guess) was okay. She always looked so angry and never happy to have a man as attractive as Channing Tatum interested in her. I didn't like how abrupt it was at times (like, ya know, the ending) but overall of COURSE I will see it again and I will for sure own it. :) Plus I get to see Joe Manganiello half naked on True Blood all the time so I suppose it's okay... Okay no, I'm still bummed that there wasn't more Joe. ;) The only way it could have been better was if Alexander Skarsgard was in it too! hahaha

Our Midnight showing ticket!!! So worth it.

Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss

Oh my word.

I just watched the story of Jacqui on Extreme Makeover. She was over 300 lbs, I think 355 (so a bit more than me) but she also has PCOS and can't have children. She lost 207 pounds in a year and weighed in at 148 lbs! I cried. I am amazed and inspired. I need to lose weight and have hit many, many issues with this due to my PCOS and my Endometriosis. I do have a few more issues than the girl featured (the Endo being one of those) but that is no reason to give up.

I'm nervous to publicly admit I have a problem. I talk about my PCOS/Endo freely because I have no control of that, but admitting that I have a problem with my weight (as obvious as it may be) is harder. It's something that I do have control over. I don't have as much control as the average person, because PCOS makes it much more difficult to lose the weight, but that is not a good enough reason to ignore it or become passive about it. I'm scared as hell. I'm scared to attempt this....again. I've attempted it so many times to no avail, to just have my body combat me and GAIN weight when I'm trying to lose it, to get so discouraged...but I am hoping and praying that my story can end up like this woman's story. I need a good workout buddy, I guess? I wish I could afford a coach or whatever.

Little Ones

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time (okay, a few months) about babies. I know I haven't blogged much about this topic recently because we've decided to wait (sort of) for a while before embarking on that journey. I know it will be a journey, too, because of my issues, and we are not ready just yet. Or rather, I'm not. It's me, not him, at this point. Which is ironic, if you've been following our story for a long time.

BUT what I really wanted to blog about was how damn cute we were as kids! ha. While getting the pictures together for our slideshow I knew I wanted to write a blog I could incorporate the pictures of us as darling little kids into.... So, with fair warning, this particular post will be a "post in progress." I don't have the time to write it all right now because my wrist is bugging me while I type.

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So here's the story, readers. I don't know if I've ever shared the story of how I first knew *for sure* that I loved my husband, but here it is. :)
My youngest sister Ava (who is now 8!) is adopted. My family adopted her from China in 2008 when she was 4 years old. She has some medical issues and some other issues (therefore, special needs adoption) so the adoption process went a little bit quicker. Seth and I had started dating in June 2008 and my parents traveled to China that December. We'd been dating a little over 6 months when they came back. He had helped me over those two weeks as I was "in charge" of my brothers who were 13 (or 14?) and 11-ish at the time, I think.
Anyway, when my parents' flight finally arrived and we met our little sister in person for the first time (we'd Skyped a lot while they were in China) it was super late. We didn't get home from the airport until after midnight, probably closer to 1 am? Well Ava wasn't phased by this at all, as she didn't realize it was night time. She was hours behind us and ready to explore and play. So Seth and I (and Will & Zach) stayed up with her while Mom & Mark were able to wind down and unpack, chill out for a minute. Seeing Seth with Ava (who was tiny at this point, by the way, she literally looked about 2-3, not 4.5) just melted my heart. He was so good with her and it got those wheels turning. When you think, "He would make a great Dad" you know you are talking long term. :)
And that's the story, basically. OH! And then I saw pictures of Baby Seth and Toddler Seth and I just have to have one of my own one day! ;) You know, besides the grown man that I love and live with of course.
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I'll just upload these precious pictures to remind myself why we need to make adorable babies one day. :)

My beautiful Mommy. <3

Look at those curls! Oh. Em. Gee.

I was a bit of a dramatic child.... Lol.

Can I keep it? *so adorable*

It just wouldn't be Seth without a Nascar related picture or 3. Lol.

There are no words to describe how much my heart melted the first time I saw these. Of COURSE I want to make babies with him. ;) hahah

Clumsy Me

So as most of you know, I'm clumsy. I can walk into furniture and get a huge bruise. I can stub my toe on something nonexistent. And apparently...I can either break or sprain my wrist doing.....something?? I don't even know what I did. I'm going to the Doctor on Monday because I don't want to pay the ridiculous co-pay at the ER. Yeah, I'm cheap, I know.

I've had my wrist wrapped and have been icing for a few days and it's swollen and sore and more painful than I'm letting on. It feels like it literally separates when I move it the wrong way. :-( It makes simple things really difficult to do. Oh! And yes, this is the same wrist I broke when I was younger. Which is why I think it may be broken. If it's not broken, it's a really bad sprain - worse than any sprain I've had before. And being that I kick-boxed for several years....I've had some sprains. Lol.

Beyond that I've had some interest from possible employers! That's good, right? I really would love to get a Special Ed. Parapro job in Newton or Henry Counties, but I'd take some other things. I just want to be in a good position for doing my M.A.T. in Special Education if possible. Another option I have is to keep my 'Ava job' and the other two jobs I'm looking at. A woman my mom knows has asked me to watch her 2 kids several days a week after the times I watch Ava as well as another woman asking me to work for her for a few months. I've tentatively said yes in case the Parapro jobs don't come through, but I've been honest with them both that it's possible I wouldn't be able to. I could do all three of those and then do my M.A.T. by volunteering the hours if I don't get a school job. Maybe even at Ava's school? :) It could work out fine. I'd obviously make more money if I could get a Parapro job AND keep watching Ava and pickup the job watching the other 2. THAT would be ideal and perfect! :) *fingers crossed* <-- except on my Left hand. -_- ha

So I'm holding out hope, because there really isn't anything else to do. I am going with the "it will work out the way it is supposed to" idea. God knows what is best for me, I just hope we're on the same page? :)

OH!! Some inspiration for me... Seth starts his new exciting job the day after we get back from vacation. So exciting!! Wouldn't it be perfect if now I got my ideal position(s) and he has his? We could actually start saving money up and feeling like we're above water financially. Oh, in a perfect world.

And in lighter news ---- Magic Mike with so many men that are adorable and good looking comes out this week! June 29! :) haha. Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello (from True Blood), Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer.... just so many. Jackie and I are too excited to see it! haha. Mom wants to see it too. This is obviously a "joke" card, but it's funny to me. ;) I'd see it.