Recurring Arguments

You know what really sucks? Something that I know all married couples go through to some degree? Having the same argument OVER and OVER. Even if it's spaced apart, once you've been together for several years you have your "we're going to argue about this all the time, aren't we" type of disagreements. I'm not saying they have to be SERIOUS. Maybe they're stupid. But I think every couple has theirs, and lots of times more than one in varying intensities.

We have several, but one that is really driving me NUTS right now is one where... It just leaves me exhausted, feeling like a shitty wife, and wondering....well, basically wondering, "WTF?"

I hate it because I know that we should compromise. He knows that we should compromise....but there IS no compromise. It's either, yes or no. And what really sucks? No matter the answer, it seems like we're both going to be pissed. There isn't that "Win-Win" situation. Why? Let me break it down without saying what our argument is (because this blog out in the interwebs is not the place for me to air my dirty laundry, I just want to discuss the basics of it.)

Option 1 - I give in and say "Yes, you can." BUT there has to be more to it than just that. For him to be completely happy I have to truly support it/him, attend things related to it, and basically....well, lie. At this point anyway. (Of course, people change.) But you see, me just saying "Yes" is only half the battle and I know at this point I am not willing to both say yes and be untrue to my beliefs on the topic. Even if I say yes, I'll be so incredibly unhappy with it that there is no way to be supportive or even want to participate. It absolutely blows, because this fight is just... it seems like if we don't figure it out we could be shutting the door on part of our marriage. 

Now, Option 2. He gives in and stops pursuing something that I disagree with. This one is a little more obvious how it plays out. He is immensely unhappy and probably never forgives me (or at least never forgets), I'm relieved but I'm also not happy because...well because I feel like I'm taking something away from him and I know he'll essentially blame me. So again, neither of us are happy.

Now, Option 3. The compromise. Even though I don't think it will fix this problem either, mind you. There are two ways to compromise on this. One is that he finds something SIMILAR but less dangerous and I keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever. But you see, it still doesn't resolve anything. He still wants the elusive thing and I still don't want him to. The other "compromise" option is that I consent, but with "rules" that make me feel better about his safety among other things. Maybe something along the lines of, "X, Y, and Z need to happen prior to this and if it ever gets to a point that I feel you're taking advantage of it, that's it." I realize that sounds a bit ultimatum-y but I promise this is not about anything sexual or weird. Again, I just don't want to come out and say what it is to protect our privacy and keep it somewhat within our marriage.

Yes, I know we're both stubborn. But this is something that we have gone around the block on and we just cannot seem to discuss it civilly. He ignores my points and I get annoyed that I'm being asked the same question and he isn't hearing me. He gets annoyed that it feels like I'm trying to be controlling or not "letting" him do something. Did I mention it sucked? Yeah. It's one of our "bigger" common arguments.

Obviously we just had it........again. And you see, it doesn't matter if people agree with one of our sides or the other. It doesn't matter what our friends or family may think about either of our sides. I realize it's debatable and it doesn't make a difference. So here we are, stuck. Plus I talk better in writing and he just doesn't express himself or a range of emotions much unless it's "really really happy" or "pissed off" or "tired" <-- grumpy. He's your stereotypical guy, basically. And I'm the stereotypical girl, full of emotions. I don't want to become "the nag" or the reason he doesn't do something.....but I'm also somewhat unwilling to compromise my own thoughts. *sigh* I'll probably regret writing this and letting people read it later. Oh well. Don't agree with me, get off my blog.

Tired of myself.

I'm so tired of having all of these random, seemingly small things break me down. I know it sounds ridiculous...I promise you, no more ridiculous than it feels. I'm hopeful that many of you don't know what it feels like, and for that I'm happy. I try not to get caught up in the "why me" feelings that go along with this...journey. I wouldn't wish this on the person that hurt me the most.

I am assuming that most of you know the storyline by now and most of you will know what I'm going on about...I might as well add it to the title of my blog, eh? It seems to be coming up even more than lately. Today it was because of how sharply I was feeling the Endo pains return. Like a knife stuck into my ovaries. It's one of those pains that, while painful physically (trust me...very), the most painful part is thinking of the implications. Knowing WHY I had that excruciating punch to the gut. Knowing what it does or could mean. It is not something I ever thought I would experience at such a young age...or ever. You always hear stories of women with fertility problems but you never think about that being you or your family story. Heck, I even watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 for several seasons and never once thought of what it would be like 'for real.'

It almost makes me think that the other hardships I've had in my life have prepared me for this.....but if that's the case, I must have missed a lesson or two, or so I feel. I don't feel prepared to deal with this. I can be "logical" about it, I can write things down, which I often do just to feel in control of something relevant to this, but it only helps quel the anxiety. It doesn't actually FIX anything or DO anything. I can't do that. I don't have the power. I feel utterly powerless and tired due to the struggle and it's begun to affect me in other aspects of my life. I feel less than. I feel like I have a giant Achilles heel with an arrow pointing towards it. I can feel myself growing more and more bitter and I struggle with that feeling. I don't know what I need at this point to get past this, but I need it soon.

Writing this helps, especially since I'm not even mentally ready to go on a TTC board or anything just yet. I couldn't handle it. I'm not even back to the point I was a few months ago. I'm done trying to convince myself that I don't want this yet. Of course I will still sometimes mention that financially and even other aspects are not exactly perfect, but that doesn't change a whole lot. We've been married for 5 months now (can you believe it? As of last Friday! ha) and we've been together for over 4 years (which I know to a lot of is wimpy) but for us, we're fine. We're both in our early to mid twenties, we both have a direction to go in, we both want kids.......but here I am, powerless and unable to do that. I am literally physically exhausted on some days like today. I want to just go to sleep but my mind refuses to shut off and I cried earlier, which was odd. I really hate crying over this, I feel like most people expect me to be "over it" by now. Everyone always says, "Oh it will work out! It has to!" or something else they think is the right thing to say. And it is, for them. It just isn't really what I need. I really need someone to go, "It may not work out. Make sure you keep your mind open and don't fixate on this."

In the words of Miranda Lambert, this is how I perceive this. I know it isn't what her song is talking about, but I really connect with these words.

..........Weather man said, it's gonna snow, by now I should be used to the cold..........

Like I should be "used to" this idea by now. That I shouldn't be surprised, considering I felt Endo pains about 2 months post-op anyways. I guess just knowing that indeed they are Endo pains and it's been over 7 months since my surgery, and the most likely time to conceive post-op is the 6 months right after. It kind of cracks the exterior at least for me. I feel so mentally weak through all of this. 

 

See? I'm even tired of my thoughts, I'm sure you all are too. I must sound so negative and ungrateful. The positive sides are that we ARE young-ish and have plenty of time to try. That is positive (obviously it would/will still have the same painful affects as it already is having). Another positive would be that if it doesn't work out this way we have plenty of time to prepare for the other ways to work out. That isn't exactly the most positive though, I wouldn't say. It's difficult. No matter how old, no matter where you are in your life, it SUCKS to know that you are "less than normal" or less than capable. The other positive is that so far we have not had to go through what I imagine is the crushing feeling of loss associated with miscarriage or things of that nature. Thoughts of that haunt me, but I haven't quite gotten to the point where I think of that too much. Obviously I am not naive enough to think that couldn't happen to me anymore. I pray to God that the feelings and journey I am on now are not in preparation for something of that magnitude.

That's all, I suppose. Emotional vent over. Now to go listen to some uplifting music.

Utter Confusion

I truly dislike being confused or second-guessing. It makes me feel anxious, makes me grumpy (and add external factors and whatever, say goodbye to pleasant Amelia) and it just makes me feel....wrong. I've always had anxiety issues. Yes, real ones. Diagnosed ones that I've pretty much had under control for the past several years, but it's difficult at times. Especially when I feel like I do right now.

The reason behind my feelings.... you guessed it. I know that I want to teach - that isn't what is in question. The NEW question is WHAT do I want to teach? I see my friends around me falling into different teaching positions and I wonder, which one of these do I fit?

To answer a few of my own questions.... My original thought behind teaching was to teach English/Language Arts. I also think I'd prefer Middle School aged children, maybe 4-8. The options for certification are 4-8 or 6-12. I could see upper level elementary, I could also see high school. Maybe I could get an add-on to teach some of the other grades since you have to choose?

Back to my rambling. I could also see myself enjoying the difference I could make in Special Education. I can honestly see *both* of those being extremely viable options. So where do I go? Do I let current trends sway me and go for the Special Ed. or do I let my absolute *true* passion (English/Writing/Grammar, etc) carry me and just pray I get offered a job in my specialty? OR do I do both....eventually? I could get my M.A.T. in either Middle Grades LA or Special Education (General Curriculum.) Either of these could make me happy. I could follow that up with either an add-on endorsement (usually 12-ish hours) in the opposite field or an Ed.S. in the opposite. It's really quite confusing. I know that if I taught Special Ed. I would also still want to focus on English/Language Arts. *sigh* Who knows.

I'm at least glad I have narrowed down the field and feel confident in that. I'm truly glad about that. What brought up these questions is probably the fact that despite being OVER qualified (education wise) I still have not and cannot get a Para job. :( It makes me sad.

My Obsession: Olympics 2012

I always love watching the Olympics...and can typically be found watching them until the wee hours of the morning, regardless of what time I have to get up. Thankfully they are mostly before the school year starts. ha. :) AND now there's the DVR....but I still like to watch them when they come on.

Some of my major obsessions SO FAR (note it's only a few days in) are:

Ryan Lochte -- He's absolutely adorable (always has been), an excellent swimmer, and seems really fun. Yay for him winning more gold - and some silver and bronze as well. :)

The Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte Bromance. I know there is a lot of hype saying "showdown" between them as they are both excellent, but if you really watch them, they are good friends...and have been since 2004 when Lochte came to his first Olympics. SO adorable.

One of my non-USA people of interest would be Tom Daley. He's so adorable! It's his 2nd Olympics at 18 - precious.

The AMAZING women's gymnastics team! I'll admit, I was skeptical when there was no Nastia or Shawn (still a bit sad!) BUT these girls did incredibly. I'm also still sad for Jordyn Wieber after that ridiculous rule, but they are great. Super impressed with McKayla Maroney and her AMAZING vault that helped Team USA win team Gold.

Back to swimming....Nathan Adrian winning his first gold was probably the most adorable thing ever. But really.

I've loved watching Kerri & Misty for years, and this year is no doubt. They are incredible together, and I'm sad that they'll never be in another Olympics together again. BUT... 

Jen Kessy & April Ross may just be America's next "Walsh & May" team. They are really good already! I'll be interested to see how it all plays out.

Also? Missy Franklin is amazing.

And just for fun, and your viewing pleasure:

http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2012/06/meet-4-hot-half-naked-olympic-2012-swimmers-glamour-july-2012 (for more of THAT, haha)

I never blog about "political" issues, but...

It’s not okay to disagree with people anymore, is it?

Yes, I'm referencing the whole "Chick-Fil-A Debate" going on because people don't agree with one another. I am not usually one to talk about what I consider politics (as that is the root of the issue), but the ridiculous amount of posts on facebook has me thinking and I honestly have no desire to enter into a debate with people when I don't care one way or another about them agreeing or disagreeing with me or anyone else.

I find it very interesting that people are so outraged because….it’s a restaurant that’s always traditionally been closed on Sundays for church and we’re surprised that the owner of such a place doesn’t believe in something that many traditional Christians do not believe in? Spare me. It isn’t as if it couldn’t have been deduced years ago. The owners have the freedom to believe whatever they wish. They never said, “And gay people cannot eat here.” They simply said they do not agree with the idea and wouldn’t support it. SO WHAT? The point is we ARE America, a free country, and we can choose to believe whatever we wish. Note what I said – we can BELIEVE whatever we wish. No, we cannot just DO whatever we wish or believe all the time. Note that prayer is not a part of school anymore? That’s something taken away from Christians because it was disagreed with – i.e. the street goes both ways. No one is allowed to run around and do whatever they please. You can THINK whatever you please…unless you are an owner of a fast-food franchise apparently?

I get that a counterargument to my statement about freedom would be that gay couples cannot choose freely to marry, but I honestly don’t get that argument. I also was clear that we can BELIEVE whatever we wish, not just go do it...because there has to be some form of political control and votes will be the way that is changed, nothing more. Moral outrage, boycotting a restaurant and posting some pissed off status will not, in fact, change that LAW. That’s entirely about politics being involved and I believe that one day in the not-so-distant future it will pass into legality eventually. Now, if people keep proving the super conservatives RIGHT, then maybe it will take longer. Think of that? If we all just “want to get along and have the same rights” then condemning a  person for their beliefs that oppose yours makes you JUST as wrong and the argument will literally get nowhere. Which is pretty obvious. For instance, I've seen the word "bigot" thrown around an awful lot - why? He's a bigot because he believes differently than...YOU? Yeah........no.

The point of marriage to many is not the legality of it, but the ceremony, which anyone and everyone can choose to have in different capacities. As a married person, I do not consider my married relationship any “better” than a same-sex relationship that has been together the same length of time that we have. I suppose we have more rights as a unit, but what about the fact that once we were married we took on eachother’s past history – i.e. debt, credit score, etc? It isn’t all rays of sunshine. And I swear if I hear that “gay people would stay married longer,” one more time I just might burst out laughing in someone’s face. I’m sorry, but no. Relationships break up at all stages no matter your age, race, marital status, beliefs or sexual preferences. It’s just reality. There would probably be less marriages fall apart in that community to begin with for one reason – they wouldn’t want to give up a right so fiercely fought for (who would?) and a lot of those couples have probably been together for quite some time. But once it became the "norm" it would be exactly the same as heterosexual marriage because relationships are not about what gender people are...they are about how couples deal with conflict and change. But give it 100+ years (or less) and it would just be a divorce rate overall and it’d probably all be pretty equal.

I’m just saying that I find it all pretty ridiculous. Chick-fil-A can believe whatever they believe, they aren’t forcing their beliefs on anyone. Eat the chicken or don’t, no one really cares. Their company will not fold because some customers don’t go there anymore. People forget that the other side will probably rally around and go to Chick-fil-A even more to prove a point….again, duh.

And then there are people like me…who will continue to eat wherever I want based on what I am craving, not the belief of an owner I will never meet or the opposing belief that I neither agree nor disagree with.