Honestly? I'm angry at my body.

Gotta be honest here, I think I'm angry at my body right now. I don't know a better way to say it. My surgery on Monday is really weighing heavily on my mind, and while I am trying my hardest to approach this like I suspect a less anxious person would...that's hard! lol. My surgery is scheduled for Monday at 9:30 am. That's in less than 48 hours. Heck, that's closer to 24 hours away.

I'm nervous about the surgery itself - the anesthesia, the possible complications, the possible findings, the recovery. The whole concept is rather overwhelming. I don't like that so much of my future could possibly hinge on this one thing, or series of things. I don't like that our decisions on having/making a family could be changed so much based on what we find out on Monday. I also don't love that Seth & my Mom will know before me - is that crazy? Probably. I gave my Doc permission to tell them because otherwise I'd have to wait until freakin' December to find out. But I feel like I'll be anxious even when I'm knocked out from pain meds and anesthesia and xanax! haha. What a nutjob I can be sometimes. ;)

I don't think it helps that I've had this stupid bracelet on since Thursday (that I'm required to keep on until post-surgery) that is constantly reminding me that the deadline is quickly approaching. It doesn't help that Grad School is becoming an odd notion to me. It doesn't help that it's Thanksgiving week - the first one without my Papa. It doesn't help that I've got a diagnosed anxiety disorder. It doesn't help that I have been going from Baby Fever to completely putting the notion out of my head off and on for several weeks. WTH. And all of this compounds and now I'm angry at my stupid ladybits. I'm pissed at my ovaries/ladyparts/abdomen/etc/etc. I'm mad that I have something that doesn't REALLY have a name yet in my mind and it's only speculation. I'm mad that there are so many stupid possibilities and complications associated with this.

Why can't I just be normal, and only have to worry about NOT getting pregnant yet right now? Why can't I just go on with a normal period, normal sex-related everything. Why can't it just be easier? I know. Pity party of one right here. But what the hell, it's my blog and I need to say it. I need to express it, because it's the honest to God truth. I feel very angry. And why not express that? At least I'm trying to express in calmly and fairly rationally and without taking it out on others.

In other news - surgery sucks as a concept. And so does weird hospital soap.

AND - Zach is 15 today! What the hell. My baby brother is 15! He's going to be legally learning to drive. This time next year, he'll be 16. I feel so old! And I'm happy that he liked his presents and his birthday in general I think. :D Next time maybe Italian Ice will be open! :)

Anyways...hopefully I'll be back to update about stuff post-surgery. That was a morbid thought, but eh.