Today I have been contemplative on rather a lot. I had one of the best conversations I've ever had with my Mom in my adult life. (Not that that has been very long. Just 2 years.) Anyways. I won't betray her confidence on a number of issues, but I want to write about my reaction. We talked about, basically, that "mothering instinct" you seem to get around my age - that is, if you are in a committed relationship. I began to feel that instinct a few months ago - as witnessed in one of my blogs I do believe. She said to me, "I knew when you got your first dog." Yep. Hit the nail on the head, Mom. Lucy & Chevy are my, or rather our, babies. I sort of knew it then too, but it took a little more time for me to put a name to the feelings I was experiencing. I thought - I just want a dog to love! And of course, to save it from the shelter. Which, of course, I did. But I was also looking to fulfill an instinct that I didn't even know I had!
With the new news that I may have PCOS or endometriosis, that instinct has sort of entered a "fight or flight" stage. If that doesn't make sense to anyone else...here is my attempt to sort it out. I had to decide what I would do if I DO have these things. Is it important to me to be a mother? YES! Does it matter HOW I get my children? NO. BUT I would love to experience pregnancy and childbirth and holding something that is a part of me and my future husband-to-be. I am not against adoption - far from it actually. My mom and dad were both adopted and so was my little sister. It is a part of my family history. But, with facts remaining, I would love to have a child with Seth someday. I don't think I've ever said that out loud.
Anyways. When all of these facts started hitting home and the fact that they DO sometimes cause infertility registered... I felt sick to my stomach. I sort of panicked. And my gut reaction was - well why don't we try! Of course...logic took over. DUH. Because we are much too young for babies just yet. 20 and 22 might not be the right age for us to do that. BUT my purely emotional reaction was panic - and to FIGHT. To TRY and have a baby. Test out my body, I guess? I WANTED one. And my Mom called me today and said - I know what you're going through. It happened to me. You have a LONG time yet to have the children you want, you don't have to make that decision yet. I NEEDED to hear that. Logically, I knew it. But I needed to hear "I understand." I needed to know that it will be okay and not to jump into something that huge and life-changing over an emotional need. The fact that I still need my Mommy to tell me these things is an indicator that I'm not ready yet, right? I guess maybe... though won't we always need our mothers? I know I will. And even if I don't.... I couldn't live without her. I have absolutely no idea if any of this has made sense. I'll leave that topic at this: I want to be a mother. I have the best mother in the world. I need to wait until I can be an equally good mother before choosing to have a child. If God so blesses us with one before we think we're ready - we can do it. But not based on emotion alone. (And not until I get a pretty diamond ring. ;)) haha.
On another note.......... A much less heavy topic. Chevy is home!!! After getting his little man-parts removed, he is back. He's mad at us (when we put the E-Collar on him) but he's home! :) I missed my little man. Here's a picture of the little cone-head. :) He wouldn't cooperate. haha. Go figure. But he's doing fine, physically, if not a little ticked off that we sent him somewhere to get body parts removed. lol. Poor little guy.
(Above: Won't he make a great father? He's a good doggy daddy! haha) Another topic that this discussion with my wonderful Mommy brought up was just life in general. Though we didn't really talk about it that much, the talk made me think about a lot of things. What things are important to me? Do I trust my own decisions? And the answers are really...I initially trust my own instincts but then question myself about it later. I think I'm afraid of a lot of the experiences that I crave. That makes no sense!! Of course it doesn't. Haha.
If you're at all interested in the topic, I found an interesting blog that covers young marriage. Okay. I am NOT THAT YOUNG. 20 is not that young, in my opinion. And we have absolutely no plans of tying the knot right now - needed to get that out there to not have lots of questions. But especially after dating for 2 years, the topic HAS come up. I would like to point this out: older couples get married after one or two years of dating. Why do young couples have to "prove" that they found the right person sooner rather than later?? Is it so bad to have found the right person young? When a young couple gets married after FOUR YEARS they are still ridiculed simply for an arbitrary number applied to their age. Young couples that get married between 18-20 are expected to fail - why? I know several young couples that have turned into REALLY long marriages. Really HAPPY marriages. This article talks about our ability to be a couple rather than two co-habitating people when we are young. When you find someone young, you can grow together and choose things together, rather than "make things work" later. It's interesting. Just read it if you have any interest. I don't really care either way - I would love to marry Seth at some point in the future. When, will be determined by what is right for us.
http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/on_marrying_young <-- Seriously. Read it.
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