Lost

About 30 percent to 40 percent of women with endometriosis are infertile, making it one of the top three causes of female infertility. Dagger. To. My. Heart. Why did I even look this up? Why am I torturing myself like this?

Well, here's why. This morning, I got a call from my OB/GYN. They wanted to move my surgery up. It was originally planned for mid-December and now it is scheduled for mid-November. This made me have a minor panic in my brain. In case you've since forgotten, I was under the impression that I had PCOS. As it turns out, I only have it verrrry mildly. Not enough to cause the issues I've been having. After my last U/S the OB/GYN office called and said they suspect I maybe have endometriosis (symptoms match) and since it's not PCOS, this is the next logical thought. They then scheduled me for a laparoscopy. That's the surgery I'm now moving up a month.

Here's the thing. If I don't have Endo, then what the hell do I have? There are not that many fertility disorders and one has so far been sort of ruled out. I can't decide what would be better for my mental health. To have endo, and then deal with a known issue and figure it out from there...or to still be trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me after over a YEAR of actively attempting to figure it out and working with my Doctor.

I am honestly this close to breaking down and crying because it feels like my body hates me sometimes. I want to be a Mommy so badly that I even cried watching a Pampers commercial. Granted, it was one that really hit home, but still! I CRIED. No, we're not actively trying to have a child right this very second but I'll be honest. If I find out in a month that I for sure have Endo and that it will greatly decrease my chances to wait...then we will be having a series of discussions. I would feel so lost if I was told that and then we decided to wait until everything is perfect. I don't know what to do. :(