Sorry for the melodrama!

After the post I wrote last night detailing my insanity....er, my thoughts...I spent the day basically feeling sorry for myself. That's never a good thing to do and I disliked it, but it was tough to pull myself out of it. In an attempt to pull myself out of it, I started reading other blogs that are similar (or in lots of cases, even worse) and cried and cried. I know...

I have this issue that it just kind of dawned on me to put into words. I cannot cry for myself. It isn't that I cannot, it's that I mostly choose not to. I always have, since I was little. I would cry because my brothers were hurting or because my mom was hurting, but I rarely let myself cry for me. Maybe because I had a few very traumatic events that kind of  haunt me that include me crying. I'm not saying I don't cry for myself at all, I'm sure I did quite a lot, but as I've gotten older I do it less and less. Sometimes I'll cry out of frustration, anger, or grief...but not just to release my OWN sadness. I cried more seeing my brothers cry (heartwrenching) after my Papa passed, or seeing my mother cry (never happens...maybe it's where I get it from) but...I don't know. I've channeled my feelings into other things. I've always known I do this as I sometimes get to a point where I "need" to cry, so I'll watch a sad movie or read a sad book...or like today, I read sad blogs. I wouldn't just cry because I am frustrated or cry because of the grief process (right words?) that the infertility process induces. Man, I need therapy.

I think I've finally pulled myself out of it, and even if it took me until 2 am to get out of it, that's okay. I'm glad I stayed up late enough for it to work though! I didn't want another day of THAT feeling. So I looked at wedding pictures, and edited a few of them just to capture our expressions, and it reminded me how damn LUCKY I am to have a man look at me like this:

 Screw being sad, at least for now. I love him and he loves me and it will all work out in the end.

Late Night (Early Morning) Ramblings

I am really getting terrible at updating this thing, but occasionally when I'm having an introspective moment I remember it. Obviously I'm having one of those right now. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want to change about it...as well as how I REALLY feel about some things. I sometimes try to "logic" myself out of certain things and try and convince myself that the logical thing is what I really want...When I should know by now that my emotions rule my decisions for the most part.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I am extremely blessed and lucky in many ways and for good reason...the logic. But I still can't help but feel that I'm "missing" something, and I am fairly certain I (slash We) know what that is... I don't think I've admitted this aloud yet, but I *really* do want babies. I'm scared of the uncertainty, I'm scared of the money, I'm scared that we'll think we were too young one day...but every time AF comes along (which is rarely, but still) every time I get a little sad/depressed. [You know, like today.] Like my body has failed me once again. I know it's going to be difficult to get pregnant for us since I have basically a 70+ day cycle (I forgot the actual number, but basically every 2-3 months). I understand that on a cognitive level, but on an emotional level it's still sad. Logically, should I want kids when we are only 22 & 24? Maybe not. It doesn't sound all that young anymore compared to, say, 15 or 16. But it also doesn't sound like 35. But that is neither here nor there...

I really should ignore all things kid-related on Pinterest, maybe that would help, haha. But I really can't. I want to decorate a nursery and I want to do cute little activities and create sweet little memories and shape a little child into a (hopefully!) amazing adult. I'm ready for that emotionally. From what I have gained talking to some friends, the fears I *do* have are rational and almost everyone experiences them. The quote,"If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them" came up a lot in conversations. It's true. And we could make it if we had one. Maybe I'd have to be a better coupon clipper and we'd have to be more responsible financially, but we *could* make it. Would I probably panic about the money aspect at times? Duh, I do that anyway.

I know this blog is so "stream of consciousness" and just me rambling, but I had to get it out there and I know Seth is sick of me bringing it up. He's so black and white about things, he's like, "I'm ready for kids. You've wanted kids forever. We're married now and we have jobs, a house, vehicles, and love." -- Paraphrased, but that's the jist of what he says. I feel so silly that I'm even bothering to write this, because there isn't anything I can do about it at the moment... *TMI ALERT* It isn't as if we've been using protection for several months now. I mean, there is nothing more (at this stage) to do as far as trying to conceive other than moving along to another step, like talking to my OB/GYN again... they said you normally have to try for a year before there would be any interventions anyway. Well, so far...for all intents and purposes we'll say 4.5 months (even though we know good and well it's been longer, but we've been married for 4.5 months and that is a concrete starting point in my mind.) I logically know that it'll take longer for that to happen. Really, I do. But I'm scared to admit that we're "Trying to conceive" because then...the potential to fail is even greater sounding. Is that ridiculous? Probably. But with the odds stacked against my body I am just having a hard time emotionally admitting that it isn't working. I'm having a hard time thinking the thought, "We've had no luck." I'm having a really hard time processing this even though I KNEW it was coming. As soon as I knew I had PCOS/Endometriosis I KNEW it was coming...but reality and how you really end up feeling cannot be planned for.

*sigh*

That's all for now...

Donated Our Hair!

As a lot of you know, I have been growing my hair out for ages. Originally it was for the wedding but I *knew* I wouldn't be able to grow it out that long for just one day. So I decided after it was long enough, I would donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (I just like their philosophy better than Locks of Love, personal preference.)

Anyway, it took 4 months post-wedding to get my hair to the length I wanted to donate it. Also, Will has been growing his out and Ava's hair was really long. Will's isn't quite long enough - plus he likes his long hair, so he'll be waiting a few more months. But Ava decided to do it too!

I think hers makes her look so grown up! I love it. :)