Direction Change

So, I'm not going to be an RT. I should have posted this like 2 weeks ago, but whatever. I withdrew from Grady's program. Not because it was hard, not because I was tired, but because it didn't fit me. Some people may have their own opinions on my decision (and to that, I don't give a rat's ass) but I know in my heart of hearts that my decisions are based on feeling and thought. More so feeling than anything else. I couldn't see myself being an RT, I couldn't picture that being me. I wasn't all that excited about the profession. And that's just not gonna cut it for me. I need more out of my future than to make X amount of dollars. I knew that from the get-go, but hey. At least I gave it a shot. At least I can say for sure it's not for me.

So here we are. I withdrew, I'm looking into working in my *true* passion (the one I ran scared from like a child even though it was my plan all through college) and I'm becoming a grown up. I have a job, babysitting/tutoring Ava and cleaning, and while some won't consider it a job...you do it and tell me it isn't. Then we'll have that discussion. For now, I'll enjoy the fact that I'm both making money and helping my baby sister at the same time. <3

I'm a bit pissy today, I'll admit that. Some people really aren't meeting my expectations. And I know it's stupid to have expectations of other people, but dammit I do. When I put X amount of time/effort/whatever into a relationship I DO expect the same back, and when that doesn't happen I DO get pissy and shut down. That's just me. I've never made that a secret, ever. I couldn't even if I wanted to, but, I don't want to. I wear my feelings and thoughts and emotions on my sleeve. C'est moi. So I'm disappointed and my feelings are hurt but I'll get over it. I always do.

On yet another random topic, it finally feels like we live here. Seth brought up the desk and we got all the boxes, books, file cabinet, etc into it's place and I'm about 85% finished putting everything together. Our garage is almost empty - yay! Other than things that are going to stay in there anyways. We have a few more boxes (like literally 4) and most of them are things that have to wait on other things...like office stuff or decorative stuff. He hung up the shelf over our bed and let me tell you - it makes our room feel like "ours" again. Now we just need to keep some matching sheets and linens on it and we'll REALLY be like big kids. ;) haha.

The dogs are settling in nicely but damn do I wish I had the extra cash to get them a fence! Urgh. I just want them to be able to play outside without a stupid leash attached to them. They would LOVE that. Seriously. We got them adorable Pumpkin costumes for Halloween! Lucy was chill with hers on but Chevy did NOT like the little hat. Haha. Pictures soon! I can't find it on my Picasa. Speaking of Halloween, we've decorated the front of our house and inside. Eek! We're having our first party in our new house! I'm so excited for certain people to see it and to hang out with certain others! :D Pictures for SURE of that! If only I could find my camera..... I'll get on that tomorrow, but I haven't used it since we moved!

On that note, it's late. I'm glad I updated, but I need to move onto the next stage in my day: sleep!

Lost

About 30 percent to 40 percent of women with endometriosis are infertile, making it one of the top three causes of female infertility. Dagger. To. My. Heart. Why did I even look this up? Why am I torturing myself like this?

Well, here's why. This morning, I got a call from my OB/GYN. They wanted to move my surgery up. It was originally planned for mid-December and now it is scheduled for mid-November. This made me have a minor panic in my brain. In case you've since forgotten, I was under the impression that I had PCOS. As it turns out, I only have it verrrry mildly. Not enough to cause the issues I've been having. After my last U/S the OB/GYN office called and said they suspect I maybe have endometriosis (symptoms match) and since it's not PCOS, this is the next logical thought. They then scheduled me for a laparoscopy. That's the surgery I'm now moving up a month.

Here's the thing. If I don't have Endo, then what the hell do I have? There are not that many fertility disorders and one has so far been sort of ruled out. I can't decide what would be better for my mental health. To have endo, and then deal with a known issue and figure it out from there...or to still be trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me after over a YEAR of actively attempting to figure it out and working with my Doctor.

I am honestly this close to breaking down and crying because it feels like my body hates me sometimes. I want to be a Mommy so badly that I even cried watching a Pampers commercial. Granted, it was one that really hit home, but still! I CRIED. No, we're not actively trying to have a child right this very second but I'll be honest. If I find out in a month that I for sure have Endo and that it will greatly decrease my chances to wait...then we will be having a series of discussions. I would feel so lost if I was told that and then we decided to wait until everything is perfect. I don't know what to do. :(